Just tonight you asked me, “have I brought any good to you as what you have brought into my life?” You don’t know how much love? With regards to that matter, (yep, my other foot is still in the office) I will tell you the ways how you have made me better.

You always make me feel loved. By the little deeds that you do love. When I’m tired and you want to carry the heavy stuff and you bravely ask me to let you carry them even if we both know we will pick your shoulders on the streets? The way you attend to me in the morning and make me coffee? Or even bought a box of tea for me? The way you submit to me with just one snap of my lips? And when you tell me that we’ll just call for dinner delivery when you see that I’m very tired? That morning when you prepared hot water for my bath even though I’m not sick? And even if we don’t have money you’d spend it just to let me have my movie fix? And you also want to eat what I want to eat? That you told it to my face that that is such a sourly bad rendition of cream beef? I appreciate that. That you would rather cry and seek comfort from me rather than fight when I wake the very tired you in the wee hours of the morning because I can’t sleep? That you would come to my office and pick me up instead of me doing that to you? And when I see in your eyes that you are very happy when you do things that make me happy? I’m sorry I got carried away.

You make me want to be alive. First off you don’t want me to smoke anymore and you are fierce with that. The many times that you tell me to eat properly and not be sick. As if I’m an old chap. Listed. When I think of you, I can’t stray from a future of us. I need to be alive to be with you. Love, we only had barely a year of time being beside each other and I hope God will let me live so I can be with you.

You make me want to make you happy. Is that a song? And with that, I always find the better me to make you happy love. I need to be good in heart so that out of that goodness I can scoop out the sweet soft creamy stuff to make you happy. Err.. yup. That’s that. In short you bring out the best in me. Is that another song?

It is what you are to me that’s makes me what I am to you.

I can’t wait to write tomorrow’s letter. And I can’t wait to write you another song. And to feel you again and feel all of what you’ve read again and again.

Hey you.

I need you.

I need you when we fight. For comfort, for assurance, to be powdered talc again after crashing from being a wall. I need to find you again after you ran away from me. I am bringing you a blanket to dry from the drench of detachment. Because you are my traveling shelter, wherever you settle I will find my self altogether built with you. I need you. When I’m stupid and you’re clumsy, we can make a circus for a million merry go rounds. You shoot the balloons to burst the air we breathe while I throw a cube to make the balls go rolling, we always win though we both don’t care about the goodies. I need you to make the silence have meaning, to make the mindlessness mindful, to make the sleeping being awake, and to wake up twice but once. When dreams fail to catch the deadline, we pick up the line and let it fly to roads that find no dead ends so we can keep up with timelessness.

I am needless without you.

Hey you.

Just getting crazy love, from what is a crazy day. I didn’t like the whole Monday. It’s always the Monday that kicks me from behind and shakes me to see that it’s only just a Monday.

What is it with needing each other? It’s my jigsaw that I would want to leave unsolved. Just to look at the pieces scattered everywhere. It’s happy that way. A happy clutter of you and me.

Why don’t you lie down and let me lie beside you and hug you from behind.

Let’s feel the cushion of each other while the whole world makes a cone of chaos.

You told me that once you have that consciousness of something; it becomes visible to you. While I was going home from church this morning I saw a shirt in a boutique and it has a Ripcurl Australia design. And when we were discussing about the wedding a while ago as I was scanning TV channels, Grace was wearing a wedding gown for Will’s friend and then yesterday it was all about weddings in Discovery’s Travel and Living. I can’t wait to be with you love and those reminders are killing me. But I admit the fuzzy feeling that warms my chest whenever I am reminded helps me through this journey, not to feel lonely and not to muddle in sadness.

You are all I want and need. I never imagined myself to be this-- pouring out my soft, creamy core. I hope we are the only ones reading this. I don’t want to let the whole world know of my soft side. I am hard as a rock… for whatever purpose that statement may serve me best. I can’t wait!!! Life is somewhat getting suspended without you. It’s not that I am doing nothing at all, I got used to doing things with you that I am waiting for us to be together again and get back to action. I don’t want to be excited and get happy alone. I don’t want to do happy stuff without you. I want to see that smile and hear that laugh whenever we are enjoying something. If I were a marriage counselor, I’d strongly advice that I marry you. Well… we are going to get there. Lord… 3 months more.

My part in this 85 days is coming to a close (you know what I mean). Even though it’s 60% that we can’t make it in 85, this countdown has served more than a hmmmmm counting down of days. It made me realize how much I valued you and us. It made me want to get home early and start scribing the thoughts that I enumerated the whole day. You make up most of my thoughts. That’s why I never ran out of what to write to you everyday. My thoughts are the signs that make me believe in the us. And though the weekend was such a do-nothing, it kept my mind traveling to where we are heading. Thank you for this 85 days love. This sounds like I’m cooking frozen meat so I better turn down the flame.

If cell phone keypads are only like keyboards and if it doesn’t cost a thing I’d tell you a lot about the whole day and… if it weren’t only a Saturday, meaning, nothing happened to me the whole day. Ironic there, the phrase “nothing happened”. I’m sorry my brainwaves got haywire tonight. I wanted to be with you and touch you when I know it’s not possible. That’s why I was asking for something more than phone messages. Crazy me.

I’m in a dream state right now. Like you, because you just told me that you’ll go to sleep since you had a very tiring day, emotionally and physically. We know we both are ever since you left. There’s something different with what we feel when we are together. Our hearts become shores that refuge the very last fold of waves. Okay, your husband is again sentimental. You have to bear with that all your life. Love! You already have a job! That means we’ll get to lodge the visa in 3-4 weeks? Can’t get over that till now. Back to my dream state, (we’ll actually I always am, of you and of what we will be like in the future) here it goes:

Times that I always look forward to every day
By ciggy

We just got home from office; times that I always look forward to everyday. I wait for her to come out of that corporate sliding door, looking for that familiar look that makes me want to stay home every morning instead of going to work.

I ask her what she wants for dinner, already half naked, she gave me that sweet stare and flashed a smile. I would want to bite that bait if only I didn’t know that it’s a tease. And so I go to the kitchen and prepare veggies and fish, like what we usually want. Other couples may think it’s odd because it’s always the wife that gets busy for dinner while the husband grabs beer from the fridge, sits on the couch, watch TV and wait for food to be served. We are from a different cave. I cook she cleans up the mess.

After dinner is free time. It’s the hour of anything goes before we find ourselves on the bed. We may stay in the house and play board games, run around it like crazy, argue, fight, get on the roof and get familiar with other neighbors roof, talk about weird thoughts, watch the moon, watch TV, read a book, or go out for an after dinner walk in the neighborhood or drive somewhere else, look for something more to eat, catch a movie, etc. It’s always the same randomness that we don’t get tired of doing.

She’s already snoring. And I am still awake. And thinking what she will look like tomorrow. And still hoping that we skip office; times that I always look forward to every day.

FIN

I want to wake up to this dream love…

You have a job!!!!!!

I didn’t know what to feel when you squealed that through the phone. I was thinking thank you Lord this is it! I don’t want to think that we can’t get it through the 85 days, I wouldn’t want to think that we still don’t have an application fee, I don’t want to think what’s next, I just want to thank God for bringing us a step closer to what we’ve been praying for! I was happy when I was praying because usually I have three things to pray for when it comes to getting there beside you. 1 is for somebody to buy our lot so we can have money for the application fee, 2 is praying for the medical examination and three is your job! And while I was praying it feels so good to thank God for prayer number 3. It feels different now. Thank you thank you thank you Lord.

What about me? What happened to me. Well the usual stuff in the office. When you told me you have the job already I wanted to jump off my seat and shout: I resign! I want to get ready and pack stuff and head there. Love, I am so excited. Today is all about the job that the Lord gave us and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Another one that I am thankful for is how we discover Him everyday through the Bible. Yep we are getting bible freaked. I don’t know why people become so critical when you start to get interested and reach out to God. Maybe this is how the world goes. I’ve had a lot of that in the book of John. When everybody doubts Jesus because he is such a freak, heck even the common people that time considered him some sort of a nut. And it is still going on right now unfortunately. But with all my heart I want to thank God for this journey. For this sweet discovery. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. I thank God for you.

I don’t want to end this letter because this is getting very conversational. And machismo tells me that I should write something exclusive only for a love letter. The metaphors, the mystery, the heart warming phrases and curves of the pen, you’ll have more of that through the years but for this time, I just want to be trigger-happy with this. Thank you Lord! Wooohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

First of all I want to thank God for a hopeful day. It’s good to have our spirits lifted with news that you will have an orientation to a job tomorrow though it will start 19 days from now? I don’t know if our 85 days would be possible but still “may your unfailing love be with us Lord as we put our hopes in you”.

Second, I’m so proud of you by making a record for topping the exams ever since anybody buried their head in that test. You are exceptional love, I am falling in love with you more.

Third, to wake up to a glimpse of light from the slumber of inactivity requirement-wise, is a pretty feeling. If we were together I have already seen you twirl. Thank you Lord for the nth time, for the sweet grace.

This is getting beautiful as the days pass by. I thought we would concentrate into accomplishing the requirements for us to be together quickly but as everyday unfolds we are found with nothing but each other. I am more glad that we were given time to suffer this. If it wasn’t for the cruel waiting we couldn’t have valued each other more than we do right now. The conversations before we sleep don’t tell that we are timezones away from each other but they tell otherwise. The frequent buying of credits just to keep in touch is not bothering us at all. Well it is yes, but we always end up talking to each other. It can’t affect rather.

I am hopeful again, as always for tomorrows love. How would you fare in the orientation? So if it’s orientation it’s a sure job isn’t it? So we will be lodging the visa application very soon? Will our lot buyer pay soon?

Yep. This isn’t about how quick we can be beside each other. This is about how long and how much we can remain for each other even thou the ifs, buts and yets.

I hope God will open his floodgates and carry me through the waves going to you. Pray pray. Protect protect. 3 things.

I am getting excited for the impending hitchhike of a lifetime. Thank you Lord for the nth time.

If it weren’t you I wouldn’t be like this.

I heard break-up stories because of space gap. Whether they are only islands away, they are thousands of miles apart or even if one lives just across the street.

I have learned my lessons already. Now I am made ripe for you. When I think about those who are in the same situation as ours centuries ago, no mail systems, no instant messages, no webcams, no nothing but a hope that binds them for as long as they breathe…and they wait and wait. Sometimes I can see myself as a soldier in a war reminded only by your picture in the middle of deafening gunshots, having the will to live because somebody on the other side of the world waits for me. What would happen to us if we were in that situation? Would you find yourself a handsome young man? Would your heart beat for someone you can hold physically? For that someone who is there for you in these times that I’m not?

Companionship is a need for no man is an island. Especially that of woman to man and vice versa. Why would you want me for the many men that you encounter from day to day? On the contrary, I also know a chap who was separated 3 times from his wife but yet they still come back together. There’s also this saying that goes-- destiny is what you make of it, not where you are lead. But the mysticism of destiny also made a lot of stories bear truth.

I am praying for you everyday. That God will have mercy on my poor soul and give you to me. That you are for me-- to cherish and to love for all of my days. Since you’ve left, I am none but consumed by the time that I can see you again. I am deaf of gunshots.

With mountains and mountains of hopes, prayers, persistence, wanting, needing, wounds, scars, dreams, yearnings, faiths and faithfulness-es… prayers again and again and prayers again on which I stand through all these, I am holding on to the certainty of what I feel in the middle of this uncertainty. Just to see you and let you feel that I am already holding you. To go home to you, be with you all the times, all the split-seconds and tell you “now you are with a handsome young man”. (Now give me a snappy yes).

Carry on.

I am getting used to this feeling. It recurs in the most unexpected time. When we have realized that we should be strong despite of this separation the longing shakes its mouth to let us know that it is still there biting and we feel the bleeding once again.

Good thing it lead us to a lot of realizations. This has taught and still teaching us a lot of good stuff. Keeping the faith when everything seems to be uncertain, believing more and more in God like we have never believed like this in our existence, giving each other the utmost value because we are reminded of the times that we are still together, (in my case) being faithful to somebody that I am committed to (thank you love, thank you Lord), trusting each other even better while losing all fears, the power of reassuring, carrying each others burdens while taking turns on who indulges sadness and who dispenses encouragement immediately, getting more involved in each other’s affairs, disregarding distance and time zones, being persistent in prayer and in convictions, fanning the flame of our future, knowing what we want and sticking to it like super-glue, knowing God more and more (which I am mostly happy of), and it’s your turn to say what I have forgotten.

Love, we only have 10 days more before 6 weeks, which is the least processing time of a prospective marriage visa. 85 days… day 53… 10 days more… Let me read the second paragraph again.

I am holding on love. And I know you are too. Wherever this would lead us, whatever happens, whenever God wants to, we know that this countdown has already served its purpose even if we’re only halfway through.

Maybe God wants to know how much and how long we can hold on to him.

Aaaah it feels good to have a clean house. It reminds me of you. Because yes, you are the cleaner, I’m the “you go there because I’m cleaning here, don’t disturb me I’m cleaning, please stop with your crazy dance because I won’t look”. The way the house looks reminds me of you. The days we had here exactly looks like this. Well not really that clean but I tried my best love, please congratulate me.

And congratulation to us to yet another day that ends with love even though we were fighting almost all day. Though it feels so good and more loved after a fight, I hope we can be able to be non-volatile next time. Maybe this is what distance has for those who want to bend it; as it bends it hurls piercing splinters of time and space. But hey, time and space are but variables? And variables can be in any way we want them to be. Ok, I’m not good in math so I better finish this part now.

Time gets nearer love yet no work or that application fee showing its face (I’m holding its tail tight though). God has plans and we still hold on to this 85 days. Considering that we should lodge 6 weeks before day zero. But then again let His will be done. His ways are higher than ours always. We both have each other’s hearts held by the other so we don’t need to bother. And aside from us holding them we have somebody up there that’s holding both of us. Get ready love.

Faith yields fate.

Instability is a sign of change so we must hold on tight until transformation is complete for the biggest change of our lives. Is Deepak Chopra still alive?

I don’t want that kind of day to happen again. Or the 90% part of that day. Not that I feel that I’ve done something wrong. It just feels kind of wrong not spending most of the day with you. I admit I enjoyed the whole day because of the tourney but love I enjoy more when I am with you. Maybe you were not there in all the casting and untapping and upkeeping that at the end of the day I felt it was better if I stayed home and expect your messages to pop out after you’ve done this and that. But nevertheless 3-3 aint bad right? I went home very tired and stressed. Matter of fact I am writing this, this morning. I was exhausted last night that the moment I fell to bed I lay there frozen until the “kikhi law si” event. Now back to yesterday, thanks love for waiting for me. It feels like going home and seeing your wife sinking in a couch with legs resting on a beanie, covered by a blanket and trying to stay up. Good thing you have that pink book. And it feels different that I am writing yesterday’s letter today.

Yesterday (grr) we were building castles again--the specific fantasies that we should have written in our history statement. No more 2 rent payments? Hmmm and… I can’t go on, my knees are melting. Can you save me yesterday love? What was that again?

I was tired yesterday but spending time with you kept me up and it made me feel better. Like our routine 5 months ago? Everytime we go home from work we get refreshed and get alive-alert-awake-enthusiastic because we are together. I’m uber late for work. See you in… 40 minutes?

I am so happy that you are getting interested with your pink book. When we were still yet starting to read it I had this hesitance that maybe you will misinterpret my zeal for the Word. People tend to think you are a sort of a freak if you care much about God. Well, welcome to the world. But you proved me wrong love. You even remind me of reading the bible and suggesting some verses. The promises that are laden there are the ones that keep us going through this. And I am fulfilled by the everyday of this journey.

It’s Saturday again and guess what? Doing nothing is the menu for the day. Though I slept at around 3am because of FNM, you getting up gives me a sign that I have to. So with three hours of sleep I went to the market to prepare for next week’s course just to make me jump from the bed and guess what again? Do nothing.

You were especially sweet today love. Ace said Jhan tends to be a puppy when he’s around. You were doing the exact thing today. What are you like when we see each other again?

A few weeks remain and day zero comes. I’m quite guilty because I should have weekend work to raise funds. Sorry love, I did forward letters but no replies even after more than 4 weeks. But as what I’ve said up there, God knows his time and his ways. Let’s just praypray, wait for his cue, and then do some action after His reaction.

So doing nothing isn’t really doing none right?

Iloveyou.

If we thought that we could get away with the daily lacerations of longing by suppressing our emotions and thinking that those are only scratches, time has a knife. As the days are counted, the hours that make it breathes just like us — difficult and unyielding. But I have only started this letter.

Today we had a blast: of job applications, of beautiful talk times, of hope with blooming buds and little fingers that grew from your starbust lilies. How could I ask for more considering that our eyes can only meet when we look at the same stars.

Yes, a lot of thoughts trouble us from time to time but I realized… we really don’t need to. Even foxes have holes and birds have nests right? Home becomes apparent as days go by. I thank God for the peace, the weariness and the truth that nothing can separate love from its subjects. And I thank you for this. This journey would be effortless if I am doing this with somebody else and it won’t be sweet at all.

Nuff said.

I just started submitting my own song compositions to highfiber.org, a community website based here in the Philippines when a user with the handle lusciouslei sent me a private message asking permission if she can use that song in her friendster blog. I don’t know why I gave in but I gave her the permission after a few exchange of messages wherein we also exchanged yahoo user id’s.

Her real name was Luanne which during that time I sometimes misspell as Louanne. Days after yahoo conversations I invited her on a date. It was at Shakey’s in Robinson’s Galeria, a mall near her office where I first saw her. She was pretty. The conversation was comfortably smooth flowing though it all ran around on how are you going to make a soup out of a chicken barbecue. After that I brought her home and we spent a little more conversation which ended up with me singing my composition for her. I made that song when she poured out her heart to me during the yahoo conversations. She cried after hearing it and I can still feel our first hug before I went (crazy) home. It was followed by visitations in her house, movie dates and showing up under her office building after work hours. I went home to my province to settle some things, I told her maybe I wont come back (just to see if she will miss me, she did actually) but showed up after 12 days. Then I told her I want to get committed with her and I can wait whenever she is ready. After more than a week she gave me her heart.

Our first trip as a couple was in Boracay. There, we started to build a shared future. When we went home we were so excited that we wanted to marry each other right away. I shared to her my passion for God which she accepted wholeheartedly. She shared to me her dreams of Australia which I considered my hitchhike of a lifetime. Our first plan to the big step of marrying was to tell each other’s family during the Christmas vacation which was in six months. We prayed for it earnestly, we booked tickets two months earlier and we trusted that it would push through even though I am still in probation in my job which means I can’t have leave days. But God is good.

The first time I saw her in the airport after we separated for 2 weeks, because she went home earlier, made my spirit jump off my body that it was embracing her before I stepped out of the airport gate. She was very beautiful. And so is her family. I was so glad I was accepted and treated as family too. I enjoyed the traditional Christmas eve gift giving. She was all giddy and clueless of my special Christmas gift to her. After the celebration I told her I wanted to tell her something but I didn’t know how to do it. It was funny because usually I can relay a message in a very clear manner. I was a radio announcer for 10 years, I am a communications graduate and I had a speech impediment when that moment happened. But after I inserted the ring in her finger, I need not say anything more. She also enjoyed her visit to my family which was a 5 hour road trip and a 2 hour plane ride from her place. My father prepared a bon voyage party for her before she went back home to celebrate new year with her family. Then I went back here in Manila after new year to catch up with my job and to wait for her to go back here 3 days before she leaves for Australia. I regret that I did not hug her tight or kissed her for a long time at the airport going to Australia.

The longing in that 2 weeks of separation before seeing her on Christmas vacation will be intensified this time. But I will wait for the time to be with her again and sing her yet another new song.

Maybe countdown is a wrong word for what this is all about. Because at the end of the day I feel that nothing has been discarded, left out or taken off of the list. In fact everything that happened since day 85 has become a part of what we are. It made bridges and steps binding us closer and making us to what we will be after this has reached day zero.

Though I would want to write a lighter letter, allow me to say something good that has weight too. Forgive me for the past few days for dropping us if not iron balls of heartaches, tiny splinters of impatience. Now I am compelled to bring in hopes in trailers.

Even though we had a very difficult time through this breaking? The molding it has done is life-making. I can’t imagine myself quitting a habit that has been a part of me for the last decade of my life. The waking up very early, the going home very early too. It’s so freaking healthy. Freaking healthy. This is really making me ready for something in the future. *hinthint*

And here’s to all the too much thought-tenderizing analysis-- I quit. You are right love. Maybe we delve too much on the emotions and on thoughts that electrically shock our arteries. If the last four weeks had a big impact with the best life changing mechanics into motion (yep…Einstein!), the remaining weeks shall have its share too. So cheers to the remaining days and to Him whose ways are higher than ours. Let us let it be.

It’s quite difficult to write a love letter for valentines when everyday you’re doing it.

I’ve been staring at the monitor like it has this 70’s swirling special effects (the one that usually swallows people to come back to disco dancing ‘fros?).

And I’m back to staring at the monitor.

I want to write something special today. But maybe because of that idea, I am wandering around--- a lot of thoughts, corners of the past, the streets that we have walked into, the future, and the now. I don’t know love. As you have said you don’t want a mediocre piece. I am particularly conscious today.

But anyway, let me start with what happened. Hearing you rant that you are very tired. That you had a very rough day? It was seeping through my veins like an odor crawling the insides of my nostrils and all I smell, think and feel is the nausea of you not alright. Like what you also felt when I was in the same situation. I felt helpless and worthless and useless. I wanted to rescue you from whatever it is that you are suffering right away. But I’m not there! What can I do? But I love hearing you rant about it. It is much better than keeping it to yourself. I love hearing you come to me and ask for a hug. My pleasure love.

But I don’t want this to be a discussion of what happened today because for Val’s (val?) sake it’s Valentines!

I also don’t want to sound like a goody-goody Hallmark card. Not that I am against it. Mr Hallmark is such a role model. (What am I talking about)

Okay. Just to get away with this? I’m postponing our valentines. Two months late. I want to spend it with you. Because Valentines aint Valentines without you. Right? Maybe we’d go to Singapore. Or just Sydney. Or just lock in the room all day. Hmmmmm nice idea. What do you think? April 14?

Solved.

April 14 is day zero? Grrrrr. I just ruined my surprise. Great.

Finally, you’ve had your interview with that fashion company again. Thank you Lord! Congratulations, you already have the job and congratulations to us we will see each other and congratulations to us again for getting married this May but wait.

Wait.

A four letter word that is whipping our ass ever since you’ve left. You know that I am impatient when it comes to you. And now this 85 days. When the clearest thing to do is to wait. I haven’t seen myself wait for the past weeks. Or maybe yes but I just can’t…wait. Why???

This is getting funny and desperate at the same time. I crave for you like food. I realized I’ve been watching your pic for 20 minutes. Mapping different instances that I have seen that kind of look. Your smile is frozen though. If it’s the you you and not the you pic you could have opened your mouth wide and laughed out loud. Then I’ll shoot corn balls in it!

Anyway, back to the waiting.

A day and two months. We should lodge by day 49 of this countdown. But as of this day, we don’t have the payment for the application fee and you still don’t have a job. But by faith it will happen. All we have to do is--

Wait.

A simple yet a very difficult thing to experience. Have you heard of that study that children with lower EQ can’t wait? I am currently scrubbing the floor with my EQ. But hey, this is just a phase. *scrub scrub* Love… I need you now but… I guess I just have to…

Wait.

Hey you!

We just had a rumble today. I wanted to chop my head off but the world will be poorer of handsome men if I did that (errhem) so here I am again with yet another letter of i-miss-you-please-can-we-be-together-now? It’s 10:02PM here and 12:48AM there? Whenever I remember that raucous a while ago I am nevertheless happy for the learning and still wanting more of it because we still want each other. But please not in another 2 months. Or in a very soon time. My fault. I am raising my hand. And feet. I can’t raise my other hand because it’s typing this.

Especially today, I want to thank God for you because:

1. It feels so good feeling you. Even when we’re apart just to feel that you are my louiebelle never fails to brighten me up.
2. Discovering with you the how-to’s of us is not difficult.
3. As day zero gets nearer, we get nearer to whom this thank you is for.
   

Oh how sentimental people are when they are in love. Why is it? I am listening to my Sunday radio program. 50’s classic. And right now the song is about longing. It’s title is “my one and only love”. I remember Lesley’s story. I will pull something like that before I kiss you when we see each other. 62 days. Hey hey hey sentimental days. How many tears have been spilled love? If we have a jar we can already make pickles.

I miss talking crazy with you. And I miss looking at you while you are storytelling our way through traffic. I miss smelling you while watching TV. I miss looking at you looking clueless about something. I miss waiting for you to go out of the bathroom. I miss watching you play crossword that you seem to forget that i’m around. I miss you babbling on the background while I’m busy at something. I miss you rapping with R Kelly. More? I miss you folding plastic bags neatly. I miss you laughing out loud at the wee hours of the morning. I miss you still sleeping after I woke up because we’ve been asleep for 14 hours. Ok I’ll stop. I didn’t mean this to cut our hearts. I just adore you so much. And the song that’s playing now is “Baby it’s cold outside”.

Hey you…

Love… when we were still together, what do we usually do on a Saturday?

Nothing right? That’s what I did today. I did nothing (is that a whitney houston song? Is she still on crack?) Well if you count playing pc all day as something to do, well I did only that. When we were still together, we would get up before sundown or if we wake up before noon, we spend the whole day bumming around. Hardcore bumming. No, we are not doing any chores or weekend assignments or writing, we basically just sit down, lie down, stand up while the TV is on. And then wait for night time and head off to coffee. Yeah. Saturday Night Coffee. Then if our asses get tired, we head home and wait for Sunday. And it was always a blast.

Staying here in the house all day makes me think of our family to be. Maybe we’re growing old. That’s why no more of where are we going out this weekend or Saturday night parteeh. It just feels so good to stay in the house and do nothing. The truth is I got used to our kind of Saturdays.

That’s why this letter is full of nothingness. Life is hanging without you with me. I don’t want to stretch out thoughts on that one. Because it will all still be nothing. Today’s highlight though is praying for a lot for Saturday’s with you. That is when nothing has an entirely opposite meaning.

My world revolves around you louiebelle. I know, it sounds like as a friend said… magical. :D Whatever the weather is in your mind that’s how it fares on my sky. Whenever you feel sunny I can feel the warmth. If you are gloomy, it rains on me. And yesterday it was more like your Victoria weather there. You don’t know what you will get till it falls on you. Why in a thousand chances that you have 2 2^nd job interviews postponed? As you have said, God really has a sense of humor.

Let me tell you the pulse of my job right now. It is mostly flat line whenever our boss is out on trips but if he calls us, that’s the time we all cram to an erratic heart rate. I don’t mean that there is nothing happening in this 85 days. The passing alone of the day is one big task survived considering the rabid pet that we have that is longing. What I mean is whenever we have that signal already? The erratic heart rate will start jumping like a battalion of frogs. And if God permits, that would be the week after next. Or next week? It’s day 64!

We are not going to drift away from each other. But yesterday was cruel. Of course I want to know whatever it is that you are doing there but I don’t want you to feel like I am your highway policeman (but we can act it out sometimes… you get what I mean) or in your neck of woods, justice? Nice driving by the way. But next time please, you have to let me know that you are maniacally running over estate islands in order for me to not think of running towards the incoming traffic because I thought you are already in heaven and I want to see St. Peter too. With you. This day is silly. In anyway, I know you didn’t mean to. I just want us to look back to what happened today that’s why I wrote it here.

It’s good to feel that we are leaving everything to God (and his humor) as we wait for his surprises everyday while He makes our world go happy dappy round.

Do you know the way to where the light lives? Where is darkness’ home? Have you been to the storehouse of snow? Or seen the storehouses of hail? Does the rain have a father? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!

- Discovering together God’s humor on Job 38 in a seemingly endless sweet November nights

Rough roads ahead but still we are running together.

Tomorrow marks the three weeks that we have been apart. And we know that the past days weren’t easy. You wake me up sometimes with a cry. I put you to sleep with a heavy heart, from an outpour of scorching longing from the pitcher of my distress. Yet in the same strength we carry each other.

Towards the same direction.

We dodge tears and fears. We hurdle arguments. Actually we are both rolling crystals on this bumpy rocky road. We got broken a lot of times already. I am thinking. Maybe this is all about being broken separately to be made whole again as one.

For another leap of faith.

Tomorrow you will have an interview. Last night I told you that God will start raining promises today. He never failed. The unbearable ticking of the clock lead us to a buzzer beater before five. At the moment you had the phone in your hand, there was an instant recollection what I said to you. I told you. He never fails.

And the end of this will be another cliff.

Twice it occurred to me. I am really getting married now. Do you remember when were still new? When it comes to talking about marriage I am on a tiptoe? Let me reassure you again love. Not anymore. Though thinking about marriage is like a dive on a cliff for me. And I would only do it if at the bottom of the cliff, there is you. And to think we are going to get wed twice. It’s just like what I did before in a seemingly long time ago… when I made my first dive.

This attack of terribly missing you is making a cycle in our days apart. When it comes, I feel a sudden rush of blood in my chest as if it drowns my breathing. Then I tend to not do anything but be trapped in a blank face as misaligned memories of our future breeze through my mind blowing down leaves of my sanity.

My head then falls bearing the weight of the thought that we are not together.

I am hesitating if I’ll write you like this. The more I say that I’m missing you the more cuts this separation inflicts our hiding hearts. The longing can get magnified and the pain can no longer be hidden in bandages of words of comfort. I apologize for this. I am very weak in terms of denying or being mute of what I feel.

Then I turn my head up back to the heavens. I see that we share the same sky.

Earlier this afternoon I saw the clouds setting on the sun. I found myself in an upside down world. I remember you with a big pink bag full of clothes, walking towards me. With eyes that tell we are going home. Just a thought. Doing things without you seem to be not doing things at all. They say, when you have found the reason to live, you already started your life.

So I tilt my head higher.

He didn’t allow us to have this kind of living at this moment if it will only end like this. So I must remember, every time that I feel this pain, it only means that I have started living. That’s yet one of the many things I should thank Him for. The first one is you.

I have never met this love so life changing and I know I will never meet another one like this. That’s why I asked you that question that I can’t even compose to say last December 24^th. We are going to get married pretty.

Actually, I am again in a state of I don’t know what to write. I just had a very rough episode in the office. When all I want is to talk to you all day I am being harassed by office work. When you left you brought with you a part of me that wants to go to the office because at the end of the day I can see you again. Alas, at the end of the day that part of me was taking altitude and emotional pressure with you somewhere between the horizons of hongkong and australia. Yes love, you have taken pieces of me with you. I never saw that dancing guy in the mirror here. And that guy who puts toothpaste on your toothbrush. They suddenly went missing in action. That me who goes to the grocery every Sunday? He’s also not here anymore. The guy who cuts his hair every time he is seeing you after a couple of days missing you, he’s also AWOL. The dj guy has no reason to project that’s why he disappeared. And the guy who enjoys getting bored all day, he was a gem…the parts of me that you have brought with you when you left.

I have pieces of you here too. I have that gal who reminds me of this and that. I am wearing slippers already my feet actually hates cold floor. And the one who loves to read while on honden? She’s with me with murakami. And the one who sits down outside the terrace just watching the night paint sepia lights on the sky, she’s also there early in the morning. For the rest, you have just to find out for yourself, who are them that you left here. Let me stop before this gets literally crazy in love.

I would have just wanted to go on with what we are 3 months ago. The change that occurred could have just stopped there.

…waiting for the moment change will continue only for it to be completed with you. And be whole again.

What is it to believe in the supernatural? Why is it that we believe in God? Is it because we have nowhere to turn but to believe in a cosmic being to drop us a miracle in our longing to see each other after the last day of this countdown has been counted? Is it because we have believed it since the time we were born?

What would life be without God love? What would we be without somebody in the heavens?

I want to prove why is it that we are putting all our faith to God in the remaining days of this countdown. To have a faith that makes us sure that we can see each other after day 1. Even though we still don’t have the money for the application fee, even though you still don’t have a job, even though we don’t know where we will get our answers for that. I want to find out in between you in me the spark of God; the subject of this unfaltering belief.

Who is he? What has he done? Have we felt him?

I know him ever since I’ve learned of family. That he opens every meal with a song or words of thanks. That his name is Jesus. In a world that believes of the will of man more than a God who was hanged on a wood, what has he done in between us that make us like this? We said that we are 3 in the relationship, have we felt him? I want to prove it. I want to feel a surging power in our midst, a divine ripple.

But those who ask rather than seek can’t find it themselves.

Those who were trying to prove it physically. Materially. Humanly. Those who don’t believe in a realm that cannot be seen. Those who don’t have faith. Because faith is believing on what cannot be seen.

I can still remember the indescribable bliss; that I can’t believe I went home to you last Christmas. With all the pending work in the office. Until now, every time I remember it, I can’t get over it. I must not forget that feeling because it is He. How could I think I haven’t felt Him. In the first place there is you.

We do not prove God. He approves us.

It is through constant seeking that we find Him. Not an instant feeling. Not a surge or ripple. Not magic. The steadfast, straightforward belief in Him will make us say “I can’t believe it happened”. So don’t worry if you don’t have a job yet, or we don’t have an application fee, or its day 68 already, God is existing; The Maker of all.

How could I be so human…

I woke up this night from a whole day of dreaming that I am with this fine young woman from down south. She has this face that makes pretty apple pies, not that she’s some baker’s daughter no. When you look at her you would be reminded of a cruise through the suburbs. No, not a girl mounted on a cow. Not that. She looks pretty in a skirt though. That when you look at her you would be thinking of kids, bacon and eggs, walking through a local market on a Saturday afternoon or sitting on a rocker reading a white book.

She’d be so nice to come home to.

But this fine pretty thing is a heartbreaker. If you look at the way she moves and think of what she is capable of, you would choose to hang on to your tie. She can manage to slip herself through the crowd and the next minute all eyes are on her. Or maybe that’s what I think. I want to tell her how attractive she is. Seduce her to a conversation on a terrace and enjoy her alone under the moon. But I’d rather not. She may look through my disguise and see that she has swept me off my feet already.

She only looks innocent.

The way she bites her lips after a sip of soda can make you go crazy I tell you. I want to grab her around the waist and kiss her till she arcs. Like a song once said, “ain’t that a kick in the head”. That is just the beginning. I will look at her in the eye and tell her I’ve got you, don’t get away. I will carry her in my arms. I can do it. And make her think she’s cradled in clouds. I’ll dance bossa nova with her. Wait. I should learn ballroom and I don’t sound slick anymore. Must I? I am scratching my head right now. Smiling like silly. Love…I miss you.

C’mon! I’m trying to be romantic! It’s February!

Why is it that we apply faith the opposite way? It’s down our gastric chambers but it’s suntan (ok that one is a very strange figurative I see abstract paintings twitch). If being faithful to your partner usually means-- you don’t get catchy like the whole beach’s Frisbee ( I really have strange metaphors thrumming in my head today. and you know why. Yep, today is Saturday, February 3, 2007, the day our lance armstrongs took the opposite of steroids. What is it?). Our kind of being faithful to each other is based on what the other will never do or do always. You see love, we don’t have problems with having a third party because we are confident that we will be faithful to each other, the problem is, (or is it?) it’s not trust mind you, and it’s not faith too, it is we are but sucklings yet (do I have much right to term a word? Pluto is not a planet anymore). It is the stage where you can’t take the pup yet from the mum. It’s the time the pup can’t take anything in yet except milk. Ok. Wait. Before my mind will go haywire beyond sucklings and milk I will digress.

Right at this moment, I smell the same scent of incense we use in qc and I miss being with you. And that typhoon (By the way I didn’t turn on the lights yet. It’s 10:24 in your timezone, here it’s 7:21.PM. that’s why that thought. Quick! get a blanket and get inside it while reading this, its coohl!). Do you remember that night? I can’t forget it all my life love. That was the day that Manila which is a country’s capital by the way (!) was smacked down by a single typhoon. No, make it that was the night! (no power baby) I remember us imitating crackpots on a dark, keldt, ruydt (with the back of my hands feeling your legs from time to time while we were walking teehee) looking for candles. And you asked, “what could we be doing if we haven’t met yet?” I said, “this without each other?” It was the moment that holding your hand made huge sense. Then we went home, had an argument, kept quiet, took pictures, kept quiet, ate dinner, kept quiet because we’re still hung-up with the argument (what was that argument all about?!), kept quiet again, and finally made up then made down, made everything over, under and between. Sideways.. how could I forget.

So back to what I was talking about, maybe we haven’t had much much seasons with each other yet, that every time we spend time with somebody that the other doesn’t really know particularly (specially me love, all is new with you there, and specially you from last night), we twitch. Like abstract paintings. We both know that we will be faithful. Why would it still bug us?

The words in that rowdy gang crammed-up there tell the little youandme’s little joys, little fears, little stories in stories, from peewee (argh) times in a relationship so young, still to be suckled and reared faithfully. (Happy 9^th and 2 days.) The words in parenthesis can’t stop themselves from popping out (really now).

Milk!

Your interviews are rockin’ n rollin’ you have another one today! But we’ll pray for that University job that you really want.

Thinking of you traversing through Melbourne and its suburbs alone breaks my heart. Why can’t I be with you when you’re feeling lost? That I can’t be physically with you when you feel tired and I know a single hug is all you need which I instinctively dispense in the middle of a blinded crowd because I know it can squeeze out all the weariness and stress that you are feeling.

Between the times that we are busy with this vacuum-of-a-world, I find my eyes searing through the thin curtain that silhouettes what is now and uncovers what is reality. If I am right now working in the office, the reality is you are inside the fold of my arm walking in a Melbourne of my mind. If I am right now waiting for the train, the reality is I am hugging you from behind while you are washing the dishes. If I am right now walking my way home, the reality is we are in the matrix with fish and chips on the red couch. If I am right now looking at the sky that looks at you, the reality is I am closing my eyes to picture out your face while I run my fingers on them. If I am right now writing this, the reality is I am looking for you in the airport sighting everyone who wears a cream sweater because you have given me instructions the night before we see each other.

The real reality is what we live in our hearts. Because everything that we experience is not what they seem to be. That’s why we shouldn’t look at silhouettes but rather get near and uncover to see the colors.

If you are right now very tired, the reality is you are in my embrace.

Let me reaffirm again that little and little God is working his way through to the counting down of days with us. Sleep is an overnight serenade that opens the window to the last day of this waiting. The days are quite fast actually, though because of longing, we will never know that until we see each other.

I am so glad that you are doing well there. You’re on your way to finishing all your legal requirements and that includes your aunt’s 4WD SUV rampaging angrily on an island and trapping it between the rear and front wheels. Were you honing your driving skills when that alleged incident happened? :)

As of now, you still don’t have a job, I still don’t have any money. Yes we are on it. I am looking for extra work which led to no results at all. You are on your interviews but the certainty of being in an office has never taken form yet. But why is it that we believe in this goal of 85 days so much that we are getting thrilled as each day takes off? If prayers were taken by angels to God I’m sure we will tire them to no end. The faith that gives us the certainty keeps me in the thoughts of “this will happen”.

The entire world seems to be happy when I’m with you. Allow me that hallucination before these days are finally over and see us fighting over something funny. You being away from me can never get true. And before all these words turn to caramel let me pause for a moment and think again of what to tell next when we will be together.

Thinking and writing about this will never tire me because of the promise that is you.

today i am missing you terribly. like i've never missed you before. i want to pull the heavens so that the place where i stand will move next to you. i just miss being beside you. just to see you. even for a second. then i can let go of the sky from my hands and be pulled back to where i am. just a second will fix me. it's not the short phone conversations. it's not the limited exchange of messages. it's me needing to be beside you. i fell like a crumpled plastic wanting to go back to what i used to be. i don't even know what to write.

today are the moments in this test that my paper is blank. when all i want is to get through this. but i can't just leave the items wrongly filled up or stand and walk away without answers. God this is difficult.

today, i am sorry love, i forgot being hopeful. today i forgot God. when i shouldn't...specially today. more so tomorrow and the remaining days of putting the pieces together.

today and tomorrows, the bricks should not fall down but laid on top of the other.

today i disagreed with something that was right all along.

today i have learned the lesson that gives hints to the remaining items of this test.

have i answered today correctly?