bitterSweet sweet somethings

and finally, lilly

2008-12-01T11:01:00.000+08:00

it was a monday when the doctors told me that i will probably have the baby within the week.

Updates

2008-10-26T01:31:00.000+08:00

Hey guys we are too busy right now so just drop by my blog for updates! :)

the latest on my pregnancy

2008-10-21T15:58:00.000+08:00

read more here: http://getlei-d.blogspot.com/2008/10/latest-on-my-pregnancy.html

Notes on Pre-eclampsia

2008-10-10T13:58:00.000+08:00

Hi guys. Seigfred here. Just drop by my blog for updates regarding lei and baby lilly. I wanted to post a picture of her but she wouldn't let me. Maybe tomorrow if she's feeling pretty. Don't stop praying. :)

the journey so far..

2008-09-30T15:06:00.000+08:00

posting using seigfred's imate jasjam, 2054 australian eastern standard time, monash medical centre, clayton, victoria, australia.

we need your prayers.

about a week ago I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. which could have been easily controlled by diet.

just when I was about to get endorsed to a specialised pregnancy dietitian, I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure which subsequently developed into preeclampsia.

sunday night I was rushed here in Monash Medical Centre via ambulance from frankston hospital. that was the cool part. the rest was very traumatic not only for me, the baby, but for my husband as well.

I had about three lines running through my veins--- saline for hydration, magnesium sulfate to preventme from having seizures and another drug to control my bood pressure from hitting the roof. I was considered a high risk preeclamptic patient.

overnight I had those drugs, in addition to oral medication. my kidneys were also starting to malfunction and I was given doses of steroids to help bubba's lungs mature just in case the need to deliver arose.

I am now on my third day in hospital, and taking it one day at a time. the doctors reckon I will definitely have to deliver preterm, the only question is when and how long I can keep the baby cooking in my belly without unnecessary risk to me.

currently I am 28weeks6days pregnant, I'm hitting week 29 tomorrow. each new day is a blessing. we're aiming for 30weeks.

I will be in hospital for as long as it takes, as the doctors don't want to send me home anymore.

your prayers helped us conceive. your prayers will definitely help us see this through.

all our love,
lei, seigfred and baby lilly soleil.

baby steps: the journey to yummyhood. entry #5.

2008-07-23T11:08:00.000+08:00

i knew it. little bub IS a girl.

it's been a while

2008-07-08T11:21:00.003+08:00

to my baby's daddy,

it's been a while, love, since i wrote you a letter. well, i did write you one the other day (if you count "hey you, faster, kaching! iloveyou" a serious letter). but really, it's been a while.

there's no particular reason for this at all. i was just browsing through past entries and was compelled to sit down and let you know that things are still as they were before, if not better and stronger. the melody might have been muted down a bit, and we might have to pick up the words in our wake, but the song is still playing.

thank you, my Godsend, simply for being the man i decided to be with for the rest of my life. i appreciate the devotion time, your good morning kisses, the spooning, the glorious food that you so lovingly prepare, your taking care of me and the little bean growing fast inside my belly, you working hard for us, that you still dream grandly with me, the soul-to-soul conversations, the sunday night lounging, that you always laugh with me, that you never let go of my hands.

seemingly tough times ahead, and i know you have your apprehensions. but don't worry, we'll get through this together, as we have always done. no burdens, love. our pillar is strong.

if you read through the letters in our 60-day countdown, you will discover His plan for us is slowly unfolding. most of the things we've dreamed of have happened already, it's just that sometimes we get too blinded by the sharpness of the things that are transpiring that we neglect to acknowledge the contrast. see the world through my eyes again, sweetie. i am nurturing hope inside me.

i can't wait for you to come home from work. i miss you each time you're away. just like last year, distance is a pain. but such is life, and i know that without distance, you pulling up into the driveway wouldn't make my ears perk up like a little toy dog knowing that her master has arrived.

it's been two years and five months since that fateful dinner date. two weddings and a baby on the way. two cross-equator trips. two jobs. two more hours before i see you. everything seems to come in twos. as we do.

complete me now.

iloveyou. endlessly.

the month that was

2008-06-25T10:16:00.000+08:00

there had been a time when i was taken to calling him barbs, short for barbiturate.

baby steps: the journey to yummyhood. entry #4

2008-05-29T06:26:00.000+08:00

the case of my missing waist has finally been cracked.

everything

2008-05-08T06:28:00.000+08:00

an old poem from an old journal.

what's going on?

2007-07-05T09:57:00.000+08:00

we're married!!!!!

12 days and counting into forever...
life is bliss.

12. delve.

2007-04-09T11:55:00.000+08:00

what is it with longing that cripples?

i can't move, love. dont know what to do, how to have fun without you. matagal pa ba? =,(

i wanna start building already. first pay this week. :) which means i can already pay tita back for the registry thing we owe her. and i can also start saving up for the plane that will fly you to where i am.

yipee!

i'm finding myself swinging from emotion to emotion lately. switching from desperation to hopefulness to utter dejection and loneliness to faithfulness. love is the only constant.

are you holding my hand still? will you ever get sick of roller coasters?

please say yes. and no.

flying at thirteen.

2007-04-09T11:41:00.000+08:00

nying ang matu... dyna!!!

if i could only fly, love... i would've been visiting you every night after work. let you wash away all the tiredness and aches in my legs from my 4-hour travel to and from burwood every single day.

it's not easy being away from you, love. and that statement, by itself, is an insult to the intense feeling of longing we have for each other. how long before i see you? how long before i feel, smell, touch you? if mushiness could only be measured, i'd be liquid.

flowing down your body, covering every inch, touching every fibre, every bit of hair, every pore.

let me fill you.

(14) eleven

2007-04-01T12:52:00.000+08:00

happy eleventh, fishtank.

look how far we've come.

-----

dreaming again. seems like i've been doing a lot of this lately. especially when i'm awake. look at what you do to me.

sunday. we wake up from a looong fun saturday night with friends. you have trouble rousing me. we realize we have to go to pastor B's service and rush to the shower. hail a cab to glorietta, grab a couple of breadtalk stuff, leave our trademark weekend CIQ bag in the grocery, share a cup of iced tea and march to cinema5. lunch either in mangan, gerry's, mongkok or a lunchmovie date munching on burgers. then a fun grocery session, with an HH little louiebelle. and a long cab ride home.

fix the fridge, prepare dinner. while talking and dreaming and laughing and playing in between. then tv dinner. and then a pinkbookreading session and prayer time. and a love-filled night under the sheets. and then peaceful sleep.

sounds realistic?

-----

in a few weeks' time, we'd be doing much like the same thing. but in a different, and colder setting. we'd have a bigger bed this time. and we'd be dining in different places. but everything would practically stay the same.

-----

happy eleventh, seigfred ko.

look how far we've come.

15. saturday and i passed the drill today.

2007-04-01T12:42:00.000+08:00

yet another saturday, seigfred.

i used to look forward to weekends. because weekends used to mean more quality time with you. doing nothing, lounging, people-watching, dreaming, having coffee, fooling around, adventuring, going to places, laughing, going out of town, and just simply BEING with you.

and by being, i mean becoming fully myself. growing to my fullest potential as a person. simply because you fill me with everything wonderful, and in turn, i have more of myself to give.

-----

now it's slightly different.

i just want to breeze through the weekends because it means flying through the week again, and it will bring me closer to the day when i finally put on a lovingly-knitted scarf around your neck to keep you warm, and to plant little loving kisses on your missed face. to have your hands that i love so much wrapped around my cold fingers. and to hear you sing "tulog na"before i finally drift to unconsciousness.

-----

i passed a drill today, love. although it still feels a bit off, i took hold of the reins. directed my sama ng loob to a more positive avenue.

i don't wanna say more. i trust you and i have faith in you.

i'm shelving the past.

-----

as long as you do, too.

bittersweet day16

2007-04-01T12:24:00.000+08:00

weekend. and we're not together yet.

how much more waiting will it take, love? it weakens me sometimes, i've got to admit. but just the thought of being with you soon and finally having a life instead of just going through the motions perks me up.

the promise of you is finally getting there, love. in a few days' time, you'll finally lodge all the documents to the visa people and finally they'll put that stamp on your passport, and off you go.

we'll just be counting down days, gorgeous, as we have been doing for the past four months, since december. we have had more than enough practice, we can do it in our sleep.

my hands have blisters holding on. we've had our slips and slides, love. and sometimes the weight pulls us down. just a few more days, and there's no more need to be suspended. no more ropes, no more gravity pulls, no more violent shaking, no more blisters, wounds, cuts, bleeding.

we'll get there love.

it's lovely at the top. i'm sure of it.

-----

sa 'yo ko lang naramdaman, pag-ibig na walang hanggan...
(walang tigil na pag-ibig, kahit kailan ako'y ligalig, walang hanggan, sa'yo...)

i so love this song.

what love means. day17.

2007-04-01T12:12:00.000+08:00

like every earthquake, we suffer from our own trembling aftershocks.

it is but natural to feel stabs and jabs of pain every now and then, love. we have been violently shaken the past couple of days, and the memories of the confusion are still fresh. but bear in mind that love is healing. let's apply balm to each other's wounds. *hagod hagod*

i will always remind you that i love you. and that will never happen again. we have to learn our winter's lessons, sweetie. otherwise, there's no point in overcoming what's negative, right?

we teach each other, point out what needs to be learnt. we encourage each other. we help each other up. and most of all, sometimes, we just need to know that the other is badly hurt as much. sometimes, we don't need to fight for each other. we just have to listen to the other's labored breathing to know that he is suffering too.

just one look love is what it takes. as i said last week i think, just a sliver of light to know that darkness is uncomfortable. darkness gives us temporary blindness. let's not embrace it.

we have a lot of things working against us now, distance is the biggest.

walk towards me, walk with me, save me.

-----

tonight's talk did wonders for us. it was much needed. and healing, too.

thank you love, for making and taking time. thank you for reaching out your hand. and thank you for calling out to me and urging me to grab it.

sometimes i need prodding too.

-----

and i had a lovely time sharing my spirit with you. yours dwells in my body as well, love.

all the time.

-----

even when it doesn't feel like it.

-----

i love you.

one-eight. goodbye to hate.

2007-04-01T12:02:00.000+08:00

we're finally ok. though it took quite a while.

three hours, at the least.

i know next time i wouldn't turn into your i don't know/ewan ko girl again. i knew it hurt you, love, but i was hurting too. and i was really mad and i didn't wanna think about it anymore.

i know it's not reason enough and it's not a fair justification. in fact, i shouldn't have any reasons at all for being that. it won't happen again.

but next time, please don't insist on being right if you know you're not. accepting mistakes is embracing humanity and imperfection, love. remember you taught me how to become submissive?

we have got to learn being this to each other love. we can't always be right.

i love you. and i'm sorry for not knowing and not thinking and for giving you a hard time, love.

when i saw your face, i just couldn't bear being mean and bitchy anymore. let's learn how to hold each other's hands when we are going through rough times. we still have yet to learn this, love.

everyday is a struggle, and i'm glad i'm going through all these with you.

otherwise, we would have given up a long time ago.

i just know you're perfect for me when we had our first argument ever. this ain't the last, love, i'm sure, but we know better now, don't we?

-----

thanks for the wab. i felt warmer after that.

at the end of the day... we both know what. =)

nineteen. how has it been?

2007-03-28T19:09:00.000+08:00

i saw a live possum on the road today.

-----

this journey has been extraordinarily crazy. although it is in every bit interesting, i wouldn't want to go through the whole thing again. not ever.

today we had a big fight. something that we will never forget.

i hope this teaches us how biting the cold can get. the flame is flickering, love. what do we do now?

and today too, marks our first time ever to sleep on an unresolved disagreement. i think i'd be tossing and turning in my cold bed tonight.

why does it have to take us to a major squabble to realize that there are two of us in this relationship now? that not only do we make decisions for our own selves everytime we agree to do something, but also we have to consider the other too. this is how it ought to be.

there's no room for selfishness now.

i dunno, love.

this is really crappy.

at the end of the day, love has been forgotten. =,(

a short entry for day 20

2007-03-28T18:34:00.000+08:00

you got your application fee and medical exam fee today.

yipeedo!!

and nick sent the documents today too. so this means the engine has been heated. go rev it up, sweetie. and go.

we're all settled then.

the waiting game is nearly over. and after this, i'm never playing it again. it slowly kills the spirit, and feels a bit like torture.

so now that we've got everything ironed out, we can finally put an end to this pain of separation. finally.

twenty-one. the month's almost gone.

2007-03-25T12:12:00.000+08:00

be your own, pastor.

* i spent time with God today love. in the privacy and peace of my own room. spent time reading my pinkbook, talking to Him, listening to Him. i didn't sing though. coz my singing prowess might awaken God and make him realize he didn't endow me with enough.

ermz will take care of the medical exam fee.

* huwaw!!! as i said two days ago, God knows our hearts' desires. and He knows what we need. and without even asking, He gives us everything. everything is falling into place, dearest. let's always be thankful.

-----

tummy's upset today love. i dunno why. but i don't really care.

coz we've got the NOIM already!!!!

tomorrow, tita's sending the documents over to you.

have a great sunday, love. we're back to normal hours today. so we're only 2 hours ahead. yipee. so what this means for you is that you don't have to stay up until 2am to wake me up at 5am. haha. thanks for waking me up sometimes love.

let's get ready for a new workweek. and look forward to the end of april. =)

and btw, thanks for last night. that was wonderful.

noim day, day 22.

2007-03-25T12:10:00.000+08:00

this says it all. justice, finally.

23. God loves me.

2007-03-25T11:56:00.000+08:00

the end of the workweek.... ahhhhhhh.

but before i kick my shoes off, i just wanna remind you of an exciting event that transpired last night. huh, huh? remember that? *inggit*

just you wait when i'm not tired and all is clear. i'd do the same, too! and you can't do anything else but watch. wait. that's something you wanna do as well, right? watch? hahaha. the power of visual stimulation. that's why we are in marketing, love! it has its merits. and we both know how to use our assets. hahaha.

as i said earlier, the end of the workweek. let me fall on the couch, nestea plunge style and sleep.

hmmm. i can't sleep. tomorrow is an exciting day for me. for you as well.

NOIM day!!!! woohoo!

God is good. he snaps his fingers and everything is falling into place.

who would have thought that tita andnick would shout me the payment for the NOIM? which means, there won't be a two-week delay anymore. yeyyyyy. and without me asking for it, too. God really knows our hearts' desires.

i am just in awe and amazement. and in praise of his power.

thank you, Lord, again and again.

two-four, i want more.

2007-03-25T11:45:00.000+08:00

training is starting to become a drag.

i can't wait to finally learn everything and get on with it. haha. impatience will get me nowhere, wouldn't it?

maybe love, this is God's way of preparing me for what is yet to come. everyday since i got here, i have been learning and relearning the value of patience and waiting. of taking every second as it goes by.

every sunrise is a new lesson. and the end of the day is the evaluation.

i haven't failed yet. thank you for teaching me, and for learning with me love.

this is how it feels: my body is tightly wound, i wanna spring. i've been warmed up to a hot simmer, i wanna boil. i wanna run, fast. but my feet are cemented to the ground.

i need you, i miss you so much.

i can't wait. but i can.

and i have to.

twenty-five. music makes me feel alive.

2007-03-25T11:36:00.000+08:00

a man with a trumpet was playing slow jazz in the train on my way to work, and his music moved me.

he reminded me of you and your passion. i see you and hear you in music, love.

and it seems so long ago since i heard music that moved me. the last time was when i woke up one morning hearing you sing to God in psalms.

promise me that you'll never stop singing.

i will personally make sure that you have your own studio and your own set of instruments and software to make your music for the rest of our lives. teach our kids too.

and when they can't sing... it's not my fault, ok? haha.

i miss hearing you sing. i miss songs. it's been a quiet two months. save for my sa yo ringtone that i seldom hear because nobody calls me. wawa.

i hope the jazz man takes the same train tomorrow, so his music can move my soul again. it was wonderful love. you would have loved him.

and probably played with him.

an interesting mix at 26

2007-03-25T11:24:00.000+08:00

now i finally understand what they mean when they say "play in your workplace". guess what happened last night love?

we have discovered a cure for lower back pains. and that is visual stimulation. i can attest to that.

i can't wait for the day when i can finally do strenuous physical activity. with you. if visual stimulation gets rid of the pain temporarily, they say that exercise and lower body movements will totally eliminate the risk of further injury. let's give it a test run, shall we?

-----

on my way home today, love, i nearly cried at the wonder of God's creation. the sky was a magnificent red/pink/purple hue. and the clouds were like surf in the heavens. i felt like my world was upside down, with all the colors mixed up. the grass was purple. the air was blue.

and the sky looked closer to the ground than it normally is.

it reminded me of your fascination with cloud formations, and i just knew that you would have loved seeing that.

you are my preoccupation. i see everything through your eyes. you've taught me how to view the world the seigfred way. it's not necessarily better, but it certainly is more interesting to be introduced to a different way of looking at things.

i appreciate your giving me a new set of eyes.

twenty-seventh heaven

2007-03-25T11:06:00.000+08:00

first day at work went well, love, except for the fact that my mind was drifting back and back to dreams of you.

the whole day was a dream, i reckon, with periods of lucidity sporadically flashing, and i find myself tuning into my trainors, going on and on about telstra. gaaaaaaaaaah.

what was that again? imate jasjam? =D

thank you, Lord, for my job. thank you, Lord, for our wedding. thank you, Lord, for my blessings. and thank you, Lord, for my fishtank.

today is a day for counting blessings, sweetie. go ahead and count yours. then we'll put them all together, and have endless conjugal blessings together. sounds like fun, doesn't it?

thank you, Lord. thank you, Lord.

at 28, where are you, mate?

2007-03-25T11:02:00.000+08:00

owing to the fact that i was not happy with the "peace be with you" incident that ensued the previous sunday, i deliberately missed church today.

what does that say about me and my faith?

i am deeply disturbed, love. help me out here. let's put a semblance of order into this jumbled mess. but until you get here, i guess i would have to stay put and ask the right questions, for now at least.

on the other side of town, meanwhile...

remember how it is normally said, "divide and conquer"? having more to go around means there's more to be shared, more to experience, more to accomplish.

but why is it that now that i'm halved, i find myself unable to give of myself, not enjoying my experiences and merely going through he motions, nowhere near my goals? all i want is to become whole again.

melbourne is a drag without you, my other half.

june (29), you're legally MINE!

2007-03-25T10:57:00.000+08:00

talk about objectifying, huh? yeahwell, so what? so you're my object. the object of my dreams, my affections, my passions, my desires and my fantasies.

and if you are this, then i am your subject. in love, faith, loyalty and obedience. for life.

one week fromnow, i'd be finding myself in the registry, putting in our names in a top hat, to be pulled out on june 29, magically. and these are the magic words --- i take you, seigfred tristan, to be my husband, forever.

tadah!

and we're bound for eternity.

should i wear white love? when are we shopping for our first wedding stuff? our rings?

should i book a flight to sydney for the first honeymoon? or might you want to go to the gold coast? new zealand perhaps? tasmania? or should we just lock our room up and spend the night in melbourne?

it doesn't really matter. as long as there is you.

mark the date. have faith.

Justice

2007-03-24T19:26:00.000+08:00

(30) protect protect

2007-03-16T09:05:00.000+08:00

it didn't, as my dream suggested, happen.

just when the stew is about to come to a boil, the flame had dwindled, almost snuffed. but being the great chef that you are, you dragged me closer to huddle around the fire to keep it going.

it's ablaze and roaring again.

now i know what "protect protect" means. not only do we have to shield our heat from strong winds from without, sometimes it may mean keeping us from dousing the fire ourselves. the flame needs our constant throwing in of kindling and breaths of life.

it can't die. it can never die. to even think it, is unthinkable.

it's already autumn, love. thank you, for not letting the heat die. now i know we are ready for the cold. we've stocked up on firewood. we have gathered them together from our own forests, and have come out of the thick still holding hands.

sit beside me in front of the roaring fire. let's keep each other warm.

and please know, that i would give my last breath to keep us alive.

thank you, for teaching me.

i lack one. it's day 31!

2007-03-15T08:46:00.000+08:00

the cloak of silence is wrapped around me. i am alone, with my thoughts. and all of them is you.

i've just finished noting down a short journal entry, and i realized that just a couple more flips of the pages, and i'd be writing down "went to the victorian registry today." the leather-bound journal will be a joy to read together. apart from this blog, that book is a testimony, a witness to what we've gone thrugh for the past three months of this journey. distance hurts. and we are never doing this again. your scribbles last december scratch at my chest. they are a part of you, imprints of crazy (and some unhappy) memories. they make me long for you more and more, and it pinches everytime i look at them. yet they're the closest thing to you that i have. so i read and re-read our literary snapshots. it gives me a peaceful pleasure browsing through them but it somehow punishes me too, with the pain of yearning. oh i dunno. this silence is driving me nuts.

i've done a bit of knitting a while ago, too. i'm lovingly makng you a plain black scarf made of soft fluffy wool. it's gonna be cold when you get here. so instead of doing it hawaiian-style with a wreath of flowers, i will wrap this scarf around you. but yeah, you're getting a lei around your neck. prepare to bear my weight, sweetie. i'd be hanging on to you like a stalactite.

and before you could have time to visualize that analogy and get sexy thoughts, i'd like to direct your attention to my physical pain. i only made four rows of knitting because my lower back was slowly killing me. it would have been wonderful if you worked your magic hands on it. wait. that was even more suggestive.

uhmm..

let's talk about dreams, instead. i've been having weird dreams lately, dreams that may be full of interpretations, if only we can find the time to talk about them, and if only i could remember them still. i miss talking to you first thing in the morning.

this silence weaves crazy things in my mind.

please, please talk to me.

thirty-two. it started at 2:30.

2007-03-15T08:23:00.000+08:00

having a disagreement with you reminds me of my room with the drapes drawn at mid-afternoon.

arguing is not merely an activity of the mind, it is physically strenuous as well. breathing becomes labored. your chest has tons of weight on it. muscles tense. you get so riled up, it feels as if you'd like to throw punches or just bolt and run. and i swear i could hear our hearts crunching.

i'm sorry it happened, what happened. i tried to stop it, with you blinking the red lights crazily. all i saw were red flags waving. so i charged. my emotions were too strong for me. when heat and cold interact, and with all the conditions favorable, it inevitably develops into a full-blown tornado, and destroys. months of brick-laying and careful planning implode into scraps of debris scraping and crashing everything in its whirlwind way. when you actually think about it, emotion is a force of nature.

so we're back to faith. the gun has gone off, but we're being sent to the starting point again. run with me, coach. train me over and over until i get it right. love is patient, ain't it? we will win this race. eventually, if not soon. it's our own track after all.

when we see ourselves in the same path again, direct me to this entry, sweetie. because it is here where i am declaring this:

i will always have faith in you. and i will leave it all behind. cebu, the entry, the journal, the letters. henceforth, i will detach the shadow of the past so it won't tag along with my gown's train as i walk towards you.
i know what i know. you've never failed to show me, not a single day since we've been together. and i believe you.

and on making up, love. just like the drapes, all we need is a sliver of light to remind ourselves not to embrace the darkness. slide them open, and let the sunshine in.

i love you.

come here, gorgeous. the sun is the color of our wedding palette. our magic hour is near.

thirty-three and our family tree

2007-03-14T08:01:00.000+08:00

i had a baby in my arms, and it was the next best thing to having you in my embrace.

looking forward, i still want four kids, despite all the discouragement i get from the mothers i talk to. is that number alright with you love? but then again, i might just want two.

i sooooooo long for you. so we can start the baby-making process soon. haha.

we are getting married in the middle of winter love. and i am certain that it is going to be one hot winter for us. with the way i'm missing you now, i can already see myself just being beside you and tailing you the whole time you're here. i will take my fill and pour you all over myself to the brim. and we will do all the things we weren't able to do during the three months we've been away from each other.

i can't wait.

as each day drags on, we are slowly inching our own way to the day when i finally hold my own big little baby in a cradle. =)

(ikaw yun love.)

phone-poor on day 34

2007-03-13T10:11:00.000+08:00

if this isn't a test of faith, i don't know what it is.

my fabulusch pink fone died today. and it's one of my bestest friends. it's one of the gateways to you.

one of our past discussions went like this: what if we didn't have any of the technologies available to us today, just like the lovers of olden days? would we thrive in faith and trust? would we be alright with just the promise that the other is coming back? can memories and hope sustain us?

what do you think love?

next week, i will be on my new job. with the pink phone gone, and with my work hours engaged, will we be ok? i know what i have to do to protect and sustain us. you are still my priority, sweetie. but will you be alright? it will be a huge change from what we are used to. a disruption of our routine, so to speak.

but i have grown in faith, love. and it's funny that it is distance that had to teach us this valuable lesson. (but i'm still allowed to be insecure once in a while, ok?) :)

don't worry though. a week from now, our names will be in the victorian registry. and you know what that means.

(thank you Lord, for papa fredo's help.)

35. remember the 'purpose-driven life?'

2007-03-13T09:38:00.000+08:00

i was dissatisfied today. with mass.

help me untangle the strings of emotions in my heart.

at one point i felt unfaithful to my religion, because i am now beginning to love our usual sunday service in cinema 5. but you told me that this is good, because i am thirsting for more.

and when it's a thirst for God, it is always good.

we'll discuss this soon, love, when you get here. i need you to hold my hand. and i need to do some research too. will you be there on my journey to discovery? (i know the answer to this.)

today is a day of yearning. (well everyday is, not until you're here.) i have had incomplete days for two months now. but God helps me get through each twenty-four hour-cycle. i get up in the morning and i talk to Him, tug on his robes, and snuggle on His lap. i beg Him for you. all the time. but this isn't everything. i now have a deeper awareness of my humanity and His greatness, i now desire to always remain in Him, to make my life an example of his words. it is a struggle, but i am trying.

you helped me develop a closer relationship with Him, and in turn, this has helped me grow in love with you more and more. this threesome ain't a crowd. it's our perfect number.

and guess what. today, i wanted to read PDL again. come on over, and let's start again.

day 36 and my train ride home

2007-03-11T19:41:00.000+08:00

it was a surprise that five minutes into it, i got bored with the book. i normally love reading on the train. it was a surprise too, that after i neatly tucked the prized literary material in my bag, i found you seated beside me. we're both bound for the same destination. and it's a long way away.

it was at the glenferrie station when i started studying your face. the winds of time have treated the ridges and crevices fiercely and gently, alternately. the rivers from your eyes, that look strangely like mine, have made their light vertical indentations as well, invisible to the unfeeling and uncaring eye. you have a mass of black hair that defies the rules of parallelism. they've gone so wild that they're all over your round head, exploding with joy, like confetti. the little hairs of your brows reflect your defiant nature. from the center of your forehead, they start to march out like flanks of soldiers in neat files, gradually dispersing at your temples, that bear scars of the hormonal battles of your youth. at that point i was already amazed at how you just sit there and soak up the sights, and not be astonished at yourself.

the throng at the burnley platform took a while to trickle into the train, and it was there that i leaned my head on your shoulder. the maple trees outside spilled the shadows of their leaves on the floor, in my bag, on the tip of my right shoe, and on the old lady's lap in front of me. the irregularity of the shapes and their volatile nature fascinated me. and as the shadows crept from the lady's lap to her breasts to her shoulders, i closed my eyes and allowed my cheek to melt on your chest.

we changed trains in richmond, and you didn't offer to carry my bag, like you normally do. i didn't mind, though. it was more than enough that you were there.

we sat in silence on the second leg of the journey. but i didn't want to jiggle the status quo. i had a strange feeling that i needed to hold on to something, otherwise i'd lose it. i just didn't know what it was. so i just held onto your hand and stared through the passengers' faces, unseeing. all that filled me was that i was traveling on an average commuter train somewhere between south yarra and the house that i live in, and i have never felt more at home.

a barrage of thoughts went by in the windows of my mind, just like the landscape outside. i've seen our home, our garden, kids playing, your quaint little cafe, my book-in-progress, out of town trips, weekend veging with heaps of dvds and nachos beside the fireplace, and the simple heavenly joy of having your warmth in our bed when we drown the day's concerns in soft pillows and tender embraces. i must have had reveries. or my reveries must have had realities. the delineation wasn't clear anymore. not since you. my dreams have become alive, or i am living my dreams.

the next thing i know, we have arrived. walking through the front door, down the hallway, we enter our room.

i would have wanted to just flop on the bed, but i had the sudden urge to look in the mirror. it was then when i realized, that i was alone all along.

recipe number 37

2007-03-11T19:24:00.000+08:00

it's louiebelle's orientation today! three weeks in the pot, simmering stew.

just a week more, then it'd be ready to serve.

ooooh. cooking terms. your kind of language.

i remember your future plans. the ones we'd be writing in our history statements. and i must admit, it looks like a colorful and exciting tomorrow.

but we've gotta worry about the application fee first. and the wedding.

it seems daunting, love. having to think about the expenses for our celebration. but hey. we only get married once (hah! twice pala. haha. but you know what i'm saying.), so it better be what we've always dreamed it to be. i don't want an extravagant one, just a nice and charming even that we will always look back to with warmth creeping up our faces.

i know God will provide. but, i don't wanna burden God with this (yet.) i just wanna move, run, fly if i must, just to have the application fee in a week's time.

noim first, alright? and i wouldn't wanna scrimp on credits coz that is important. just bear with me as i put in a nickel at a time in piggybear.

the water is almost at its boiling point, be ready to dive in.

developing technohate at 38

2007-03-08T07:58:00.000+08:00

i swear i'm staying away from gadgets once you get here.

call me ungrateful, coz we're heaps luckier than lovers of yore, but damn it! our techno-substitutes just won't suffice.

i've got your face frozen in my phone, in my multiply site, in my wallet, in my artframe in my room. your many smiles that i know so well have been fossilized in countless of photos, yet i couldn't make out that naughty glint in your eyes anymore, nor could i see the softening of your features whenever i do smething that endears me to you. i always aim for that, love. nothing pleases me more than pleasing you.

i can command your voice to waft wherever i am, too. i've got your songs everywhere and i carry them with me all the time, but they just won't do. shared laughter with you makes my soul dance and do backflips on the floor. a groan from you sends alarm bells jingling in my body. a moan and a whisper... well you know where that leads to.

you come alive on my computer monitor, but it's not really fully alive. no hugs, no smells, no little pats (or pokes) on my backside. i couldn't even see if you've cut your nails or not. and i wanna see the tip of your tongue when you speak. and the rise and fall of your chest when you're getting frustrated. and the throbs at the base of your throat. and the beads of perspiration on your forehead. i couldn't even push back your glasses, as i am so fond of doing. couldn't feel your warmth (or should i say cool body temperature), nor could i knit my fingers with the yarn of your hands. it's just not enough love. i could drink so much of you. and still end up parched. soak me.

our conversations aren't in real time. a two-second lag and three hours time difference are mounds different from arguing face to face, with drops of my saliva spattering on your arm. words flashing in little windows written in cold stark business fonts fail to enunciate fear, yearning, adoration, sorrow, comfort. LARGETYPE fonts and miles of exclamation points !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just don't burn with anger. let's be mad... for each other.

wab just isn't. i still need you.

i bear the blisters of the cruelty of distance on my back. it grips me, sometimes. just like it did today. it wrapped itself on my legs like seaweed in a murky ocean. it's good that i learned how to tread water from you.

every day is a battle, love. we trained for this, right? and just like exercise, if we do it everyday, it will strengthen us.

at ease, soldier.

tatlumpu't siyam. mga labi at aking agam-agam

2007-03-07T06:47:00.000+08:00

your lips. ewan ko nga ba kung bakit yan ang unang pumasok sa isip ko ng aking hinarap ang blangkong papel at dinampot ang panulat.

minsan kapag nagkukuwento ka, tinititigan ko sila. pinagmamasdan ko ang kanilang sayaw ang ang pagkubli nila ng iyong mga mailiit na ngipin (na ang isa'y ninakawan ng bahagya ng isang aksidente). i happen to find that adorably sexy, by the way.

bigla ko tuloy inabot ang telepono ko, upang pag-aralang muli ang pag-unat at pagyuko ng iyong mga labi sa pagbuo ng isang ngiti. ang hirap mangulila.

ngayon pa't malamig. kailangan ko ang iyong mga labi upang balutin ako ng...

...init ng iyong musika. naalala ko ang mga gabi sa munti nating lungga, ang bawat titik at letrang iyong kinakanta ay parang kumot na kendi'ng yumayakap sa 'kin. at syempre, kelangan ko ang iyong mga labi para yapusin ako ng nag-aalab mong mga halik. palalampasin ko ba naman yan?

ewan ko nga ba't bigla akong na-obsess sa mga labi mo.

siguro dahil matagal ng hindi dumadampi ang aking sariling mga labi sa yo. naiisip ko how sexy they look and what they can do. andami ko ng nakitang kaya nilang gawin (favorite ko yung dalawa). gusto kong makita lahat.

o baka naman dahil miss ko na ang boses mo. kahit pa araw-araw kitang nakakausap, syempre iba pa rin yung dumadaloy sa kaluluwa ko yung tinig mo. hinahanap ko na yung mga singsong na "good morning lovelove, iloveyouiloveyou, mwaiksmoochlurpngah, wootwoot, hows your day hows your day, daw awat ka bala louiebelle, afawafaw at ang araw-araw na howmanurah". namimiss ko rin yung mga kwentuhan nating kadalasang walang kabuluhan, pero naman, kapag nagseryoso na, napapanganga na lang ako sa pagliyad at paglayag ng iyong imahinasyon. which reminds me, meron ka pang isang bedtime story na hindi pa tinatapos. pano naman kasi nagbabago ang plot ng bedtime stories natin. hindi ko minsan namamalayan, past10pm na pala. poke!

pwede ring dahil gusto ko nang hingahin lahat ng hanging nilalabas mo. dahil gustong-gusto ko na maging parte ka ng ako. madalas kapag ipinaghehele ng mga kamay ko ang ulo mo, at kapag pinipinta ng mga daliri ko ang mukha mo, humihinga ako ng malalim. i want to take all of you in. (parang ang psycho ko na) pero alam ko naiintindihan mo naman ako eh. dahil pareho naman ang kapasidad ng mga puso nating umunawa at magmahal. ikaw ay ako, ako ay ikaw.

o baka naman dahil matagal ko ng hinahanap ang pag-ulan ng iyong halik. kung naibebenta ang halik, siguro mayamang mayaman ka na... at ipinangungutang ko na ang pambili ko ng mga halik mo. di bale, iniisip ko na malapit na rin naman. tatlumpu't siyam ngayon. pasasaan din ba't hahalikan mo na din ako sa harap ng ating mga dearly beloveds (if you wish--- haha naaalala mo to?). ang hirap maghintay. buti na lang pinagagaan mo ang araw-araw.

ah, alam ko na kung bakit.

dahil lahat ng lumalabas diyan sa iyong mga labi.. puro matatamis. (at adik ako sa sweets.)

-----

pahalik naman o.

life begins at 40

2007-03-06T06:14:00.000+08:00

and so the spotlight is on me.

my mind is a jumble, as it has been in the last two months. a lot has happened, and a lot is still going on.

but i wanna start by talking about paradoxes. the days have flown by, day 40 today love. look how far we've gone! but when you chop it all up, the hours crawl. if only we could give the snail a slap in the bum to egg it on to move, i would have given it a bitchslap. or a whipsmack in the ass. *whapakk*

moving on. i am a complete individual by myself. yet, i am not. i am half of who i am. the other half is you. i need you, love. i am your independent dependent, if i may say so. immobilized. that's how i feel. this is an elected immobilization, mind you. i don't wanna start experiencing until i can experience it with you. i know i'm making sense. to you, at least.

day zero nears. and i can't wait. but wait! it means that by then we would already have done (or at least decided on) the rings and the tuxes and the colors and all of those stuff that make white-cake celebrations crazy and exciting at the same time. yet another paradox. geewhiz. just making up my mind on the palette scheme makes my head spin.

but not like the way you do after 10pm every night. teehee.

bet you didn't expect that, did you?

love, sometimes, i just wanna pick up where we left off. if we only could, probably we're still in kyusi right now, having coffee and getting ready for work. then we'd be saving transportation money, coz we're from (and going to) the same area. then we'd have lunch together. not in silence i hope. (remember that inasal lunch where we both said only ten words collectively in the entire duration of the meal? we're both idiots, i'm telling you.) then we'd work again (yeah right) and i'll be anxiously waiting for 5pm so i could objectively appreciate (asuuuus) you're physique from afar as you walk towards me along emerald. then you'd kiss me passionately amidst the throng of people on the street island and take my hand, and hail a cab home. and you know what's next after that. ah, memories... where was i again? oh right, picking up where we left off. yeah, i was saying, i'd like that, but then again not. you were the one who taught me to look forward. so i am now looking forward. and guess what i'm seeing? a guest list of 250 that needs to be filled! oh lookie, another paradox.

two more weeks love and i will be on day1 at work. now that i've gotten my foot in the door, just you wait till i hike up my skirt and inch my leg in. then they'd go madly for the door and open it wide just so i can come in. can't wait to start working. i can see ink scribbles along the dotted line of the noim already!

i hope you're as excited as i am. coz i'm almost peeing on my seat just thinking about walking to the airport gates (do i really have to be in a cream sweater?) and carrying a banner that says 'welcome home ziggy' (nick wants that name).

i'd better shush now. let me just adjust this monitor so i can go through it, and give you a hug through the screen. c'meer buboolove.... (now that would be scary.)

ok please turn off the spotlight now.

*exits stage right and begins life at 40*

41 here I am

2007-03-05T10:11:00.000+08:00

Love… here I am again. When I think of the time you left, I would have wanted to tell you please stay but I don’t want to stop you from what you have wanted before I even came to your life. So here I am again and again, courting you everyday as if you weren’t mine. Everyday I am winning you over. I feel the need to because you are not by my side. And again here I am. Writing to you my thoughts of us, if it were raindrops I am always drenched and wet. I don’t mind at all, the rain always makes me playful if not reflective. I never even imagined myself doing this everyday but I need to because I feel to. These thoughts are my frozen sea that makes me cross from here to there. It’s cold but the sweating is worth it. So here I am again. Always knocking at the door of your heart asking for you to let me in. I was thinking last night if I was your neighbor I’ll always find myself knocking at your door till I don’t need to because the door is always open. I am confident that you will fall for me. I just know that. But I don’t want to sound silly here. So here I am again, courting you as if you weren’t mine. Because I feel so close to you yet so far. We know it’s different love, the way it feels when we are beside each other. By the way while I am doing this letter we are on sms talking on the same train of thought. Those sweet moments that were almost all the time. No not almost it was all the times. That’s why I am here again. Because you are my version of sweetness. I thank God for you, for letting me have you. It was all wonderful. And I can’t wait to be with you to feel and recall how the times felt. I know how it feels but knowing isn’t exactly feeling. Am I still making sense? That’s why I’m here again! Because you know me, And when you came it all made sense. The circumstances that cannot be understood sometimes can still make sense when am with you. Reasons. These are just a few of them. That’s why here I am again.

42 rain knows no who

2007-03-05T10:06:00.000+08:00

Another Saturday.

As the days pass by the longing gets intense to the point that I don’t know what to do. I would like to not mind it to avoid having heavy breaths in between breaths but I don’t want to. The longing makes me happy. It’s my recluse to the tiresome routine.

Looking forward looking forward.

I can’t wait actually but what can I do but to wait? I know you feel the same way too. It’s because that we want each other very much I am surviving every day of this.

It’s raining.

And its interesting what the rain does to anybody’s feelings. An emotional catalyst. I myself cannot understand why there’s a sudden change of mood the moment I see raindrops. I am just sentimental. And that’s what’s making this so heavy. Don’t worry love. I am just this.

If you were here the rain could have meant another thing. I could have felt exactly the other way around. I could have still found myself writing to you. On your skin. The plans that we will do. But yeah, this separation is part of our plan right? So we are just writing plans on gray clouds, wait for the sun to come up, and write another one on a… pink sky. Ya like?

Two more Mondays and you’ll be in your office. And the changes it will bring with it. Who’s excited now?

I hear the scent of the rain saying it will be here all night. Let me turn my lights on.

43 why do i want my titles to rhyme?

2007-03-05T09:59:00.000+08:00

Thank God it’s Friday.

What do I have for today? You! Love… you were specially sweet today. The whole day. That’s why when it was time for you to say goodnight I felt bad. Grrr. I wanted more of you. I always did. That’s why you know I always wake you up when I’m awake. Just bear with that selfishness. Call me selfish, I just want you. Always.

My prayers wear jumpers with your name on it. Yes, we are still working on it. I am getting impatient as the days pass by that I want to wake up to the morning of seeing you. (I am running around the room already). Love, I really don’t have anything in mind right now. I was just happy today that I have no reflection whatsoever I just want to bask in the joy that is us.

March 19, your first day in job! Feels good that He has answered our prayers. Pardon me for the scattered thoughts all around this page but I just can’t help it. I’m happy. Maybe it was because we were a bit sad for the past two days. You know what I mean but love! I’m energized! I feel glad when we are back to being just crazy sweet with each other.

Can I finish this letter now? Because it feels like high school again. I mean before I humiliate myself for acting like a mongrel. Here. I love you!

44 charged to lore

2007-03-02T08:12:00.000+08:00

Hello pretty

I just want to remind you
of your eyes that I can’t get tired of looking at because
they are like the sky
during five in the afternoon (i call it my “magic” hour)
and your smile too
that makes me want to
bend my knees and beg for them to be
on display
whenever I open my eyes. You are still the prettiest chic for me.
Remember that
I will never leave you even though I walked
down the stairs I can’t set foot
another step after ten seconds
of turning back from a painful argument. There
I am still in front of you, wanting to feel
my chest against your face that gripped
liquid from the night’s regret
when we could have had ended the struggle for us
to have a longer time of being awake and feeling each other
without pain. You are still the prettiest chic for me that I want to spend my life with.
Never forget
the you and me the us
just like our first hug that seemed to mean just
an embrace for refuge but we knew exactly that
it built us a house and made you pregnant four times
of two boys and two girls which also convicted me suddenly
to go where you want to
go even though I would have settled where I am
but I found my leg locked in yours just like what you do every night when we go to sleep, I find myself intertwined to you
and that’s the only memory that I am sealed
with, we are not sure what happened but we are.
You are still the prettiest chic that I want to spend my life with and I can’t wait
to see your eyes and your smile and say

Hello pretty

45 gun at eyesight

2007-03-01T09:48:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry i haven't wrote a letter yesterday.

sometimes there are pains that you can't get over with then you must urge yourself to completely forget about it because it would really really really do you no good. that's what happened to us yesterday. i thought that my turthfulness will be rewarded with yes, i love you more because you told me that. but it wasn't what happened. which to trace the roots, it would be my fault. i don't know. and i wouldn't want to analyze anymore. both of us had spears in hand pierced to each other. emotions were barbaric yesterday. but as what i've said, to urge ourselves to completely forget it because it would really really really do us no good.

and so we move on.

that's why maybe people tend to give up on each other because of getting fed up with being barbaric that's why they turn back to being civil with each other. i don't want to lose you because of just some fight that wasn't even worth fighting for. most of the time we are just slashing ourselves and blame the other for the pain. i hope it would never happen again. i don't want to lose you just because of the pains of distance.

if there is something that i want to see in the end, it's you.

i hope yesterday taught us a lot. i meant that literally and otherwise. it was yesterday that i realized how much i can hold on to us. Us? we should be learning faith again. learning to hope. learning patience over and over. we didn't end up badly yesterday though. it's still love that's what's left at the end of the day.

46 pick up sticks

2007-02-28T09:39:00.000+08:00

Just tonight you asked me, “have I brought any good to you as what you have brought into my life?” You don’t know how much love? With regards to that matter, (yep, my other foot is still in the office) I will tell you the ways how you have made me better.

You always make me feel loved. By the little deeds that you do love. When I’m tired and you want to carry the heavy stuff and you bravely ask me to let you carry them even if we both know we will pick your shoulders on the streets? The way you attend to me in the morning and make me coffee? Or even bought a box of tea for me? The way you submit to me with just one snap of my lips? And when you tell me that we’ll just call for dinner delivery when you see that I’m very tired? That morning when you prepared hot water for my bath even though I’m not sick? And even if we don’t have money you’d spend it just to let me have my movie fix? And you also want to eat what I want to eat? That you told it to my face that that is such a sourly bad rendition of cream beef? I appreciate that. That you would rather cry and seek comfort from me rather than fight when I wake the very tired you in the wee hours of the morning because I can’t sleep? That you would come to my office and pick me up instead of me doing that to you? And when I see in your eyes that you are very happy when you do things that make me happy? I’m sorry I got carried away.

You make me want to be alive. First off you don’t want me to smoke anymore and you are fierce with that. The many times that you tell me to eat properly and not be sick. As if I’m an old chap. Listed. When I think of you, I can’t stray from a future of us. I need to be alive to be with you. Love, we only had barely a year of time being beside each other and I hope God will let me live so I can be with you.

You make me want to make you happy. Is that a song? And with that, I always find the better me to make you happy love. I need to be good in heart so that out of that goodness I can scoop out the sweet soft creamy stuff to make you happy. Err.. yup. That’s that. In short you bring out the best in me. Is that another song?

It is what you are to me that’s makes me what I am to you.

I can’t wait to write tomorrow’s letter. And I can’t wait to write you another song. And to feel you again and feel all of what you’ve read again and again.

47 what's with the heathen?

2007-02-27T09:08:00.000+08:00

Hey you.

I need you.

I need you when we fight. For comfort, for assurance, to be powdered talc again after crashing from being a wall. I need to find you again after you ran away from me. I am bringing you a blanket to dry from the drench of detachment. Because you are my traveling shelter, wherever you settle I will find my self altogether built with you. I need you. When I’m stupid and you’re clumsy, we can make a circus for a million merry go rounds. You shoot the balloons to burst the air we breathe while I throw a cube to make the balls go rolling, we always win though we both don’t care about the goodies. I need you to make the silence have meaning, to make the mindlessness mindful, to make the sleeping being awake, and to wake up twice but once. When dreams fail to catch the deadline, we pick up the line and let it fly to roads that find no dead ends so we can keep up with timelessness.

I am needless without you.

Hey you.

Just getting crazy love, from what is a crazy day. I didn’t like the whole Monday. It’s always the Monday that kicks me from behind and shakes me to see that it’s only just a Monday.

What is it with needing each other? It’s my jigsaw that I would want to leave unsolved. Just to look at the pieces scattered everywhere. It’s happy that way. A happy clutter of you and me.

Why don’t you lie down and let me lie beside you and hug you from behind.

Let’s feel the cushion of each other while the whole world makes a cone of chaos.

48 on thawing meat

2007-02-27T09:04:00.000+08:00

You told me that once you have that consciousness of something; it becomes visible to you. While I was going home from church this morning I saw a shirt in a boutique and it has a Ripcurl Australia design. And when we were discussing about the wedding a while ago as I was scanning TV channels, Grace was wearing a wedding gown for Will’s friend and then yesterday it was all about weddings in Discovery’s Travel and Living. I can’t wait to be with you love and those reminders are killing me. But I admit the fuzzy feeling that warms my chest whenever I am reminded helps me through this journey, not to feel lonely and not to muddle in sadness.

You are all I want and need. I never imagined myself to be this-- pouring out my soft, creamy core. I hope we are the only ones reading this. I don’t want to let the whole world know of my soft side. I am hard as a rock… for whatever purpose that statement may serve me best. I can’t wait!!! Life is somewhat getting suspended without you. It’s not that I am doing nothing at all, I got used to doing things with you that I am waiting for us to be together again and get back to action. I don’t want to be excited and get happy alone. I don’t want to do happy stuff without you. I want to see that smile and hear that laugh whenever we are enjoying something. If I were a marriage counselor, I’d strongly advice that I marry you. Well… we are going to get there. Lord… 3 months more.

My part in this 85 days is coming to a close (you know what I mean). Even though it’s 60% that we can’t make it in 85, this countdown has served more than a hmmmmm counting down of days. It made me realize how much I valued you and us. It made me want to get home early and start scribing the thoughts that I enumerated the whole day. You make up most of my thoughts. That’s why I never ran out of what to write to you everyday. My thoughts are the signs that make me believe in the us. And though the weekend was such a do-nothing, it kept my mind traveling to where we are heading. Thank you for this 85 days love. This sounds like I’m cooking frozen meat so I better turn down the flame.

49 in a pantomime

2007-02-27T08:59:00.000+08:00

If cell phone keypads are only like keyboards and if it doesn’t cost a thing I’d tell you a lot about the whole day and… if it weren’t only a Saturday, meaning, nothing happened to me the whole day. Ironic there, the phrase “nothing happened”. I’m sorry my brainwaves got haywire tonight. I wanted to be with you and touch you when I know it’s not possible. That’s why I was asking for something more than phone messages. Crazy me.

I’m in a dream state right now. Like you, because you just told me that you’ll go to sleep since you had a very tiring day, emotionally and physically. We know we both are ever since you left. There’s something different with what we feel when we are together. Our hearts become shores that refuge the very last fold of waves. Okay, your husband is again sentimental. You have to bear with that all your life. Love! You already have a job! That means we’ll get to lodge the visa in 3-4 weeks? Can’t get over that till now. Back to my dream state, (we’ll actually I always am, of you and of what we will be like in the future) here it goes:

Times that I always look forward to every day
By ciggy

We just got home from office; times that I always look forward to everyday. I wait for her to come out of that corporate sliding door, looking for that familiar look that makes me want to stay home every morning instead of going to work.

I ask her what she wants for dinner, already half naked, she gave me that sweet stare and flashed a smile. I would want to bite that bait if only I didn’t know that it’s a tease. And so I go to the kitchen and prepare veggies and fish, like what we usually want. Other couples may think it’s odd because it’s always the wife that gets busy for dinner while the husband grabs beer from the fridge, sits on the couch, watch TV and wait for food to be served. We are from a different cave. I cook she cleans up the mess.

After dinner is free time. It’s the hour of anything goes before we find ourselves on the bed. We may stay in the house and play board games, run around it like crazy, argue, fight, get on the roof and get familiar with other neighbors roof, talk about weird thoughts, watch the moon, watch TV, read a book, or go out for an after dinner walk in the neighborhood or drive somewhere else, look for something more to eat, catch a movie, etc. It’s always the same randomness that we don’t get tired of doing.

She’s already snoring. And I am still awake. And thinking what she will look like tomorrow. And still hoping that we skip office; times that I always look forward to every day.

FIN

I want to wake up to this dream love…

50 and trigger-happy

2007-02-26T09:45:00.000+08:00

You have a job!!!!!!

I didn’t know what to feel when you squealed that through the phone. I was thinking thank you Lord this is it! I don’t want to think that we can’t get it through the 85 days, I wouldn’t want to think that we still don’t have an application fee, I don’t want to think what’s next, I just want to thank God for bringing us a step closer to what we’ve been praying for! I was happy when I was praying because usually I have three things to pray for when it comes to getting there beside you. 1 is for somebody to buy our lot so we can have money for the application fee, 2 is praying for the medical examination and three is your job! And while I was praying it feels so good to thank God for prayer number 3. It feels different now. Thank you thank you thank you Lord.

What about me? What happened to me. Well the usual stuff in the office. When you told me you have the job already I wanted to jump off my seat and shout: I resign! I want to get ready and pack stuff and head there. Love, I am so excited. Today is all about the job that the Lord gave us and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Another one that I am thankful for is how we discover Him everyday through the Bible. Yep we are getting bible freaked. I don’t know why people become so critical when you start to get interested and reach out to God. Maybe this is how the world goes. I’ve had a lot of that in the book of John. When everybody doubts Jesus because he is such a freak, heck even the common people that time considered him some sort of a nut. And it is still going on right now unfortunately. But with all my heart I want to thank God for this journey. For this sweet discovery. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. I thank God for you.

I don’t want to end this letter because this is getting very conversational. And machismo tells me that I should write something exclusive only for a love letter. The metaphors, the mystery, the heart warming phrases and curves of the pen, you’ll have more of that through the years but for this time, I just want to be trigger-happy with this. Thank you Lord! Wooohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

51 here comes the sun

2007-02-23T10:33:00.000+08:00

First of all I want to thank God for a hopeful day. It’s good to have our spirits lifted with news that you will have an orientation to a job tomorrow though it will start 19 days from now? I don’t know if our 85 days would be possible but still “may your unfailing love be with us Lord as we put our hopes in you”.

Second, I’m so proud of you by making a record for topping the exams ever since anybody buried their head in that test. You are exceptional love, I am falling in love with you more.

Third, to wake up to a glimpse of light from the slumber of inactivity requirement-wise, is a pretty feeling. If we were together I have already seen you twirl. Thank you Lord for the nth time, for the sweet grace.

This is getting beautiful as the days pass by. I thought we would concentrate into accomplishing the requirements for us to be together quickly but as everyday unfolds we are found with nothing but each other. I am more glad that we were given time to suffer this. If it wasn’t for the cruel waiting we couldn’t have valued each other more than we do right now. The conversations before we sleep don’t tell that we are timezones away from each other but they tell otherwise. The frequent buying of credits just to keep in touch is not bothering us at all. Well it is yes, but we always end up talking to each other. It can’t affect rather.

I am hopeful again, as always for tomorrows love. How would you fare in the orientation? So if it’s orientation it’s a sure job isn’t it? So we will be lodging the visa application very soon? Will our lot buyer pay soon?

Yep. This isn’t about how quick we can be beside each other. This is about how long and how much we can remain for each other even thou the ifs, buts and yets.

I hope God will open his floodgates and carry me through the waves going to you. Pray pray. Protect protect. 3 things.

I am getting excited for the impending hitchhike of a lifetime. Thank you Lord for the nth time.

52 thoughts of 1942

2007-02-22T09:09:00.000+08:00

If it weren’t you I wouldn’t be like this.

I heard break-up stories because of space gap. Whether they are only islands away, they are thousands of miles apart or even if one lives just across the street.

I have learned my lessons already. Now I am made ripe for you. When I think about those who are in the same situation as ours centuries ago, no mail systems, no instant messages, no webcams, no nothing but a hope that binds them for as long as they breathe…and they wait and wait. Sometimes I can see myself as a soldier in a war reminded only by your picture in the middle of deafening gunshots, having the will to live because somebody on the other side of the world waits for me. What would happen to us if we were in that situation? Would you find yourself a handsome young man? Would your heart beat for someone you can hold physically? For that someone who is there for you in these times that I’m not?

Companionship is a need for no man is an island. Especially that of woman to man and vice versa. Why would you want me for the many men that you encounter from day to day? On the contrary, I also know a chap who was separated 3 times from his wife but yet they still come back together. There’s also this saying that goes-- destiny is what you make of it, not where you are lead. But the mysticism of destiny also made a lot of stories bear truth.

I am praying for you everyday. That God will have mercy on my poor soul and give you to me. That you are for me-- to cherish and to love for all of my days. Since you’ve left, I am none but consumed by the time that I can see you again. I am deaf of gunshots.

With mountains and mountains of hopes, prayers, persistence, wanting, needing, wounds, scars, dreams, yearnings, faiths and faithfulness-es… prayers again and again and prayers again on which I stand through all these, I am holding on to the certainty of what I feel in the middle of this uncertainty. Just to see you and let you feel that I am already holding you. To go home to you, be with you all the times, all the split-seconds and tell you “now you are with a handsome young man”. (Now give me a snappy yes).

Carry on.

53 ready. set. steady.

2007-02-21T08:47:00.000+08:00

I am getting used to this feeling. It recurs in the most unexpected time. When we have realized that we should be strong despite of this separation the longing shakes its mouth to let us know that it is still there biting and we feel the bleeding once again.

Good thing it lead us to a lot of realizations. This has taught and still teaching us a lot of good stuff. Keeping the faith when everything seems to be uncertain, believing more and more in God like we have never believed like this in our existence, giving each other the utmost value because we are reminded of the times that we are still together, (in my case) being faithful to somebody that I am committed to (thank you love, thank you Lord), trusting each other even better while losing all fears, the power of reassuring, carrying each others burdens while taking turns on who indulges sadness and who dispenses encouragement immediately, getting more involved in each other’s affairs, disregarding distance and time zones, being persistent in prayer and in convictions, fanning the flame of our future, knowing what we want and sticking to it like super-glue, knowing God more and more (which I am mostly happy of), and it’s your turn to say what I have forgotten.

Love, we only have 10 days more before 6 weeks, which is the least processing time of a prospective marriage visa. 85 days… day 53… 10 days more… Let me read the second paragraph again.

I am holding on love. And I know you are too. Wherever this would lead us, whatever happens, whenever God wants to, we know that this countdown has already served its purpose even if we’re only halfway through.

Maybe God wants to know how much and how long we can hold on to him.

54 neither nor, either or

2007-02-20T09:09:00.000+08:00

Aaaah it feels good to have a clean house. It reminds me of you. Because yes, you are the cleaner, I’m the “you go there because I’m cleaning here, don’t disturb me I’m cleaning, please stop with your crazy dance because I won’t look”. The way the house looks reminds me of you. The days we had here exactly looks like this. Well not really that clean but I tried my best love, please congratulate me.

And congratulation to us to yet another day that ends with love even though we were fighting almost all day. Though it feels so good and more loved after a fight, I hope we can be able to be non-volatile next time. Maybe this is what distance has for those who want to bend it; as it bends it hurls piercing splinters of time and space. But hey, time and space are but variables? And variables can be in any way we want them to be. Ok, I’m not good in math so I better finish this part now.

Time gets nearer love yet no work or that application fee showing its face (I’m holding its tail tight though). God has plans and we still hold on to this 85 days. Considering that we should lodge 6 weeks before day zero. But then again let His will be done. His ways are higher than ours always. We both have each other’s hearts held by the other so we don’t need to bother. And aside from us holding them we have somebody up there that’s holding both of us. Get ready love.

Faith yields fate.

Instability is a sign of change so we must hold on tight until transformation is complete for the biggest change of our lives. Is Deepak Chopra still alive?

55 alive-alert-awake-enthusiastic

2007-02-19T10:17:00.000+08:00

I don’t want that kind of day to happen again. Or the 90% part of that day. Not that I feel that I’ve done something wrong. It just feels kind of wrong not spending most of the day with you. I admit I enjoyed the whole day because of the tourney but love I enjoy more when I am with you. Maybe you were not there in all the casting and untapping and upkeeping that at the end of the day I felt it was better if I stayed home and expect your messages to pop out after you’ve done this and that. But nevertheless 3-3 aint bad right? I went home very tired and stressed. Matter of fact I am writing this, this morning. I was exhausted last night that the moment I fell to bed I lay there frozen until the “kikhi law si” event. Now back to yesterday, thanks love for waiting for me. It feels like going home and seeing your wife sinking in a couch with legs resting on a beanie, covered by a blanket and trying to stay up. Good thing you have that pink book. And it feels different that I am writing yesterday’s letter today.

Yesterday (grr) we were building castles again--the specific fantasies that we should have written in our history statement. No more 2 rent payments? Hmmm and… I can’t go on, my knees are melting. Can you save me yesterday love? What was that again?

I was tired yesterday but spending time with you kept me up and it made me feel better. Like our routine 5 months ago? Everytime we go home from work we get refreshed and get alive-alert-awake-enthusiastic because we are together. I’m uber late for work. See you in… 40 minutes?

56 pink book physics

2007-02-19T10:11:00.000+08:00

I am so happy that you are getting interested with your pink book. When we were still yet starting to read it I had this hesitance that maybe you will misinterpret my zeal for the Word. People tend to think you are a sort of a freak if you care much about God. Well, welcome to the world. But you proved me wrong love. You even remind me of reading the bible and suggesting some verses. The promises that are laden there are the ones that keep us going through this. And I am fulfilled by the everyday of this journey.

It’s Saturday again and guess what? Doing nothing is the menu for the day. Though I slept at around 3am because of FNM, you getting up gives me a sign that I have to. So with three hours of sleep I went to the market to prepare for next week’s course just to make me jump from the bed and guess what again? Do nothing.

You were especially sweet today love. Ace said Jhan tends to be a puppy when he’s around. You were doing the exact thing today. What are you like when we see each other again?

A few weeks remain and day zero comes. I’m quite guilty because I should have weekend work to raise funds. Sorry love, I did forward letters but no replies even after more than 4 weeks. But as what I’ve said up there, God knows his time and his ways. Let’s just praypray, wait for his cue, and then do some action after His reaction.

So doing nothing isn’t really doing none right?

57 backstrokes, freestyles and butterflies in heaven

2007-02-19T10:06:00.000+08:00

Iloveyou.

If we thought that we could get away with the daily lacerations of longing by suppressing our emotions and thinking that those are only scratches, time has a knife. As the days are counted, the hours that make it breathes just like us — difficult and unyielding. But I have only started this letter.

Today we had a blast: of job applications, of beautiful talk times, of hope with blooming buds and little fingers that grew from your starbust lilies. How could I ask for more considering that our eyes can only meet when we look at the same stars.

Yes, a lot of thoughts trouble us from time to time but I realized… we really don’t need to. Even foxes have holes and birds have nests right? Home becomes apparent as days go by. I thank God for the peace, the weariness and the truth that nothing can separate love from its subjects. And I thank you for this. This journey would be effortless if I am doing this with somebody else and it won’t be sweet at all.

Nuff said.

58 at the airport gate

2007-02-16T09:25:00.000+08:00

I just started submitting my own song compositions to highfiber.org, a community website based here in the

Philippines

when a user with the handle lusciouslei sent me a private message asking permission if she can use that song in her friendster blog. I don’t know why I gave in but I gave her the permission after a few exchange of messages wherein we also exchanged yahoo user id’s.

Her real name was Luanne which during that time I sometimes misspell as Louanne. Days after yahoo conversations I invited her on a date. It was at Shakey’s in Robinson’s Galeria, a mall near her office where I first saw her. She was pretty. The conversation was comfortably smooth flowing though it all ran around on how are you going to make a soup out of a chicken barbecue. After that I brought her home and we spent a little more conversation which ended up with me singing my composition for her. I made that song when she poured out her heart to me during the yahoo conversations. She cried after hearing it and I can still feel our first hug before I went (crazy) home. It was followed by visitations in her house, movie dates and showing up under her office building after work hours. I went home to my province to settle some things, I told her maybe I wont come back (just to see if she will miss me, she did actually) but showed up after 12 days. Then I told her I want to get committed with her and I can wait whenever she is ready. After more than a week she gave me her heart.

Our first trip as a couple was in Boracay. There, we started to build a shared future. When we went home we were so excited that we wanted to marry each other right away. I shared to her my passion for God which she accepted wholeheartedly. She shared to me her dreams of Australia which I considered my hitchhike of a lifetime. Our first plan to the big step of marrying was to tell each other’s family during the Christmas vacation which was in six months. We prayed for it earnestly, we booked tickets two months earlier and we trusted that it would push through even though I am still in probation in my job which means I can’t have leave days. But God is good.

The first time I saw her in the airport after we separated for 2 weeks, because she went home earlier, made my spirit jump off my body that it was embracing her before I stepped out of the airport gate. She was very beautiful. And so is her family. I was so glad I was accepted and treated as family too. I enjoyed the traditional Christmas eve gift giving. She was all giddy and clueless of my special Christmas gift to her. After the celebration I told her I wanted to tell her something but I didn’t know how to do it. It was funny because usually I can relay a message in a very clear manner. I was a radio announcer for 10 years, I am a communications graduate and I had a speech impediment when that moment happened. But after I inserted the ring in her finger, I need not say anything more. She also enjoyed her visit to my family which was a 5 hour road trip and a 2 hour plane ride from her place. My father prepared a bon voyage party for her before she went back home to celebrate new year with her family. Then I went back here in Manila after new year to catch up with my job and to wait for her to go back here 3 days before she leaves for Australia. I regret that I did not hug her tight or kissed her for a long time at the airport going to Australia.

The longing in that 2 weeks of separation before seeing her on Christmas vacation will be intensified this time. But I will wait for the time to be with her again and sing her yet another new song.

59 changing the sound of the wind chimes

2007-02-15T08:50:00.000+08:00

Maybe countdown is a wrong word for what this is all about. Because at the end of the day I feel that nothing has been discarded, left out or taken off of the list. In fact everything that happened since day 85 has become a part of what we are. It made bridges and steps binding us closer and making us to what we will be after this has reached day zero.

Though I would want to write a lighter letter, allow me to say something good that has weight too. Forgive me for the past few days for dropping us if not iron balls of heartaches, tiny splinters of impatience. Now I am compelled to bring in hopes in trailers.

Even though we had a very difficult time through this breaking? The molding it has done is life-making. I can’t imagine myself quitting a habit that has been a part of me for the last decade of my life. The waking up very early, the going home very early too. It’s so freaking healthy. Freaking healthy. This is really making me ready for something in the future. *hinthint*

And here’s to all the too much thought-tenderizing analysis-- I quit. You are right love. Maybe we delve too much on the emotions and on thoughts that electrically shock our arteries. If the last four weeks had a big impact with the best life changing mechanics into motion (yep…Einstein!), the remaining weeks shall have its share too. So cheers to the remaining days and to Him whose ways are higher than ours. Let us let it be.

60 days from now (this is not for lack of a better title)

2007-02-14T08:45:00.000+08:00

It’s quite difficult to write a love letter for valentines when everyday you’re doing it.

I’ve been staring at the monitor like it has this 70’s swirling special effects (the one that usually swallows people to come back to disco dancing ‘fros?).

And I’m back to staring at the monitor.

I want to write something special today. But maybe because of that idea, I am wandering around--- a lot of thoughts, corners of the past, the streets that we have walked into, the future, and the now. I don’t know love. As you have said you don’t want a mediocre piece. I am particularly conscious today.

But anyway, let me start with what happened. Hearing you rant that you are very tired. That you had a very rough day? It was seeping through my veins like an odor crawling the insides of my nostrils and all I smell, think and feel is the nausea of you not alright. Like what you also felt when I was in the same situation. I felt helpless and worthless and useless. I wanted to rescue you from whatever it is that you are suffering right away. But I’m not there! What can I do? But I love hearing you rant about it. It is much better than keeping it to yourself. I love hearing you come to me and ask for a hug. My pleasure love.

But I don’t want this to be a discussion of what happened today because for Val’s (val?) sake it’s Valentines!

I also don’t want to sound like a goody-goody Hallmark card. Not that I am against it. Mr Hallmark is such a role model. (What am I talking about)

Okay. Just to get away with this? I’m postponing our valentines. Two months late. I want to spend it with you. Because Valentines aint Valentines without you. Right? Maybe we’d go to Singapore. Or just Sydney. Or just lock in the room all day. Hmmmmm nice idea. What do you think? April 14?

Solved.

April 14 is day zero? Grrrrr. I just ruined my surprise. Great.

61 waiting is fun!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-13T09:17:00.000+08:00

Finally, you’ve had your interview with that fashion company again. Thank you Lord! Congratulations, you already have the job and congratulations to us we will see each other and congratulations to us again for getting married this May but wait.

Wait.

A four letter word that is whipping our ass ever since you’ve left. You know that I am impatient when it comes to you. And now this 85 days. When the clearest thing to do is to wait. I haven’t seen myself wait for the past weeks. Or maybe yes but I just can’t…wait. Why???

This is getting funny and desperate at the same time. I crave for you like food. I realized I’ve been watching your pic for 20 minutes. Mapping different instances that I have seen that kind of look. Your smile is frozen though. If it’s the you you and not the you pic you could have opened your mouth wide and laughed out loud. Then I’ll shoot corn balls in it!

Anyway, back to the waiting.

A day and two months. We should lodge by day 49 of this countdown. But as of this day, we don’t have the payment for the application fee and you still don’t have a job. But by faith it will happen. All we have to do is--

Wait.

A simple yet a very difficult thing to experience. Have you heard of that study that children with lower EQ can’t wait? I am currently scrubbing the floor with my EQ. But hey, this is just a phase. *scrub scrub* Love… I need you now but… I guess I just have to…

Wait.

62 the kung fu of missing you

2007-02-12T10:04:00.000+08:00

Hey you!

We just had a rumble today. I wanted to chop my head off but the world will be poorer of handsome men if I did that (errhem) so here I am again with yet another letter of i-miss-you-please-can-we-be-together-now? It’s 10:02PM here and 12:48AM there? Whenever I remember that raucous a while ago I am nevertheless happy for the learning and still wanting more of it because we still want each other. But please not in another 2 months. Or in a very soon time. My fault. I am raising my hand. And feet. I can’t raise my other hand because it’s typing this.

Especially today, I want to thank God for you because:

It feels so good feeling you. Even when we’re apart just to feel that you are my louiebelle never fails to brighten me up.
Discovering with you the how-to’s of us is not difficult.
As day zero gets nearer, we get nearer to whom this thank you is for.

Oh how sentimental people are when they are in love. Why is it? I am listening to my Sunday radio program. 50’s classic. And right now the song is about longing. It’s title is “my one and only love”. I remember Lesley’s story. I will pull something like that before I kiss you when we see each other. 62 days. Hey hey hey sentimental days. How many tears have been spilled love? If we have a jar we can already make pickles.

I miss talking crazy with you. And I miss looking at you while you are storytelling our way through traffic. I miss smelling you while watching TV. I miss looking at you looking clueless about something. I miss waiting for you to go out of the bathroom. I miss watching you play crossword that you seem to forget that i’m around. I miss you babbling on the background while I’m busy at something. I miss you rapping with R Kelly. More? I miss you folding plastic bags neatly. I miss you laughing out loud at the wee hours of the morning. I miss you still sleeping after I woke up because we’ve been asleep for 14 hours. Ok I’ll stop. I didn’t mean this to cut our hearts. I just adore you so much. And the song that’s playing now is “Baby it’s cold outside”.

Hey you…

63 aint nothing to do with a Saturday parteeh

2007-02-12T10:01:00.000+08:00

Love… when we were still together, what do we usually do on a Saturday?

Nothing right? That’s what I did today. I did nothing (is that a whitney houston song? Is she still on crack?) Well if you count playing pc all day as something to do, well I did only that. When we were still together, we would get up before sundown or if we wake up before noon, we spend the whole day bumming around. Hardcore bumming. No, we are not doing any chores or weekend assignments or writing, we basically just sit down, lie down, stand up while the TV is on. And then wait for night time and head off to coffee. Yeah. Saturday Night Coffee. Then if our asses get tired, we head home and wait for Sunday. And it was always a blast.

Staying here in the house all day makes me think of our family to be. Maybe we’re growing old. That’s why no more of where are we going out this weekend or Saturday night parteeh. It just feels so good to stay in the house and do nothing. The truth is I got used to our kind of Saturdays.

That’s why this letter is full of nothingness. Life is hanging without you with me. I don’t want to stretch out thoughts on that one. Because it will all still be nothing. Today’s highlight though is praying for a lot for Saturday’s with you. That is when nothing has an entirely opposite meaning.

64 never a bore

2007-02-12T09:57:00.000+08:00

My world revolves around you louiebelle. I know, it sounds like as a friend said… magical. :D Whatever the weather is in your mind that’s how it fares on my sky. Whenever you feel sunny I can feel the warmth. If you are gloomy, it rains on me. And yesterday it was more like your Victoria weather there. You don’t know what you will get till it falls on you. Why in a thousand chances that you have 2 2^nd job interviews postponed? As you have said, God really has a sense of humor.

Let me tell you the pulse of my job right now. It is mostly flat line whenever our boss is out on trips but if he calls us, that’s the time we all cram to an erratic heart rate. I don’t mean that there is nothing happening in this 85 days. The passing alone of the day is one big task survived considering the rabid pet that we have that is longing. What I mean is whenever we have that signal already? The erratic heart rate will start jumping like a battalion of frogs. And if God permits, that would be the week after next. Or next week? It’s day 64!

We are not going to drift away from each other. But yesterday was cruel. Of course I want to know whatever it is that you are doing there but I don’t want you to feel like I am your highway policeman (but we can act it out sometimes… you get what I mean) or in your neck of woods, justice? Nice driving by the way. But next time please, you have to let me know that you are maniacally running over estate islands in order for me to not think of running towards the incoming traffic because I thought you are already in heaven and I want to see St. Peter too. With you. This day is silly. In anyway, I know you didn’t mean to. I just want us to look back to what happened today that’s why I wrote it here.

It’s good to feel that we are leaving everything to God (and his humor) as we wait for his surprises everyday while He makes our world go happy dappy round.

Do you know the way to where the light lives? Where is darkness’ home? Have you been to the storehouse of snow? Or seen the storehouses of hail? Does the rain have a father? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!

- Discovering together God’s humor on Job 38 in a seemingly endless sweet November nights

65 ready for another dive

2007-02-09T09:07:00.000+08:00

Rough roads ahead but still we are running together.

Tomorrow marks the three weeks that we have been apart. And we know that the past days weren’t easy. You wake me up sometimes with a cry. I put you to sleep with a heavy heart, from an outpour of scorching longing from the pitcher of my distress. Yet in the same strength we carry each other.

Towards the same direction.

We dodge tears and fears. We hurdle arguments. Actually we are both rolling crystals on this bumpy rocky road. We got broken a lot of times already. I am thinking. Maybe this is all about being broken separately to be made whole again as one.

For another leap of faith.

Tomorrow you will have an interview. Last night I told you that God will start raining promises today. He never failed. The unbearable ticking of the clock lead us to a buzzer beater before five. At the moment you had the phone in your hand, there was an instant recollection what I said to you. I told you. He never fails.

And the end of this will be another cliff.

Twice it occurred to me. I am really getting married now. Do you remember when were still new? When it comes to talking about marriage I am on a tiptoe? Let me reassure you again love. Not anymore. Though thinking about marriage is like a dive on a cliff for me. And I would only do it if at the bottom of the cliff, there is you. And to think we are going to get wed twice. It’s just like what I did before in a seemingly long time ago… when I made my first dive.

66 let heaven fix

2007-02-08T07:58:00.000+08:00

This attack of terribly missing you is making a cycle in our days apart. When it comes, I feel a sudden rush of blood in my chest as if it drowns my breathing. Then I tend to not do anything but be trapped in a blank face as misaligned memories of our future breeze through my mind blowing down leaves of my sanity.

My head then falls bearing the weight of the thought that we are not together.

I am hesitating if I’ll write you like this. The more I say that I’m missing you the more cuts this separation inflicts our hiding hearts. The longing can get magnified and the pain can no longer be hidden in bandages of words of comfort. I apologize for this. I am very weak in terms of denying or being mute of what I feel.

Then I turn my head up back to the heavens. I see that we share the same sky.

Earlier this afternoon I saw the clouds setting on the sun. I found myself in an upside down world. I remember you with a big pink bag full of clothes, walking towards me. With eyes that tell we are going home. Just a thought. Doing things without you seem to be not doing things at all. They say, when you have found the reason to live, you already started your life.

So I tilt my head higher.

He didn’t allow us to have this kind of living at this moment if it will only end like this. So I must remember, every time that I feel this pain, it only means that I have started living. That’s yet one of the many things I should thank Him for. The first one is you.

67 waiting for the odd to be even again

2007-02-07T10:47:00.000+08:00

I have never met this love so life changing and I know I will never meet another one like this. That’s why I asked you that question that I can’t even compose to say last December 24^th. We are going to get married pretty.

Actually, I am again in a state of I don’t know what to write. I just had a very rough episode in the office. When all I want is to talk to you all day I am being harassed by office work. When you left you brought with you a part of me that wants to go to the office because at the end of the day I can see you again. Alas, at the end of the day that part of me was taking altitude and emotional pressure with you somewhere between the horizons of hongkong and australia. Yes love, you have taken pieces of me with you. I never saw that dancing guy in the mirror here. And that guy who puts toothpaste on your toothbrush. They suddenly went missing in action. That me who goes to the grocery every Sunday? He’s also not here anymore. The guy who cuts his hair every time he is seeing you after a couple of days missing you, he’s also AWOL. The dj guy has no reason to project that’s why he disappeared. And the guy who enjoys getting bored all day, he was a gem…the parts of me that you have brought with you when you left.

I have pieces of you here too. I have that gal who reminds me of this and that. I am wearing slippers already my feet actually hates cold floor. And the one who loves to read while on honden? She’s with me with murakami. And the one who sits down outside the terrace just watching the night paint sepia lights on the sky, she’s also there early in the morning. For the rest, you have just to find out for yourself, who are them that you left here. Let me stop before this gets literally crazy in love.

I would have just wanted to go on with what we are 3 months ago. The change that occurred could have just stopped there.

…waiting for the moment change will continue only for it to be completed with you. And be whole again.

68 with unwavering faith towards fate

2007-02-06T08:27:00.000+08:00

What is it to believe in the supernatural? Why is it that we believe in God? Is it because we have nowhere to turn but to believe in a cosmic being to drop us a miracle in our longing to see each other after the last day of this countdown has been counted? Is it because we have believed it since the time we were born?

What would life be without God love? What would we be without somebody in the heavens?

I want to prove why is it that we are putting all our faith to God in the remaining days of this countdown. To have a faith that makes us sure that we can see each other after day 1. Even though we still don’t have the money for the application fee, even though you still don’t have a job, even though we don’t know where we will get our answers for that. I want to find out in between you in me the spark of God; the subject of this unfaltering belief.

Who is he? What has he done? Have we felt him?

I know him ever since I’ve learned of family. That he opens every meal with a song or words of thanks. That his name is Jesus. In a world that believes of the will of man more than a God who was hanged on a wood, what has he done in between us that make us like this? We said that we are 3 in the relationship, have we felt him? I want to prove it. I want to feel a surging power in our midst, a divine ripple.

But those who ask rather than seek can’t find it themselves.

Those who were trying to prove it physically. Materially. Humanly. Those who don’t believe in a realm that cannot be seen. Those who don’t have faith. Because faith is believing on what cannot be seen.

I can still remember the indescribable bliss; that I can’t believe I went home to you last Christmas. With all the pending work in the office. Until now, every time I remember it, I can’t get over it. I must not forget that feeling because it is He. How could I think I haven’t felt Him. In the first place there is you.

We do not prove God. He approves us.

It is through constant seeking that we find Him. Not an instant feeling. Not a surge or ripple. Not magic. The steadfast, straightforward belief in Him will make us say “I can’t believe it happened”. So don’t worry if you don’t have a job yet, or we don’t have an application fee, or its day 68 already, God is existing; The Maker of all.

How could I be so human…

69 she is so fine

2007-02-06T08:26:00.000+08:00

I woke up this night from a whole day of dreaming that I am with this fine young woman from down south. She has this face that makes pretty apple pies, not that she’s some baker’s daughter no. When you look at her you would be reminded of a cruise through the suburbs. No, not a girl mounted on a cow. Not that. She looks pretty in a skirt though. That when you look at her you would be thinking of kids, bacon and eggs, walking through a local market on a Saturday afternoon or sitting on a rocker reading a white book.

She’d be so nice to come home to.

But this fine pretty thing is a heartbreaker. If you look at the way she moves and think of what she is capable of, you would choose to hang on to your tie. She can manage to slip herself through the crowd and the next minute all eyes are on her. Or maybe that’s what I think. I want to tell her how attractive she is. Seduce her to a conversation on a terrace and enjoy her alone under the moon. But I’d rather not. She may look through my disguise and see that she has swept me off my feet already.

She only looks innocent.

The way she bites her lips after a sip of soda can make you go crazy I tell you. I want to grab her around the waist and kiss her till she arcs. Like a song once said, “ain’t that a kick in the head”. That is just the beginning. I will look at her in the eye and tell her I’ve got you, don’t get away. I will carry her in my arms. I can do it. And make her think she’s cradled in clouds. I’ll dance bossa nova with her. Wait. I should learn ballroom and I don’t sound slick anymore. Must I? I am scratching my head right now. Smiling like silly. Love…I miss you.

C’mon! I’m trying to be romantic! It’s February!

70 and its little puppy

2007-02-06T08:25:00.000+08:00

Why is it that we apply faith the opposite way? It’s down our gastric chambers but it’s suntan (ok that one is a very strange figurative I see abstract paintings twitch). If being faithful to your partner usually means-- you don’t get catchy like the whole beach’s Frisbee ( I really have strange metaphors thrumming in my head today. and you know why. Yep, today is Saturday, February 3, 2007, the day our lance armstrongs took the opposite of steroids. What is it?). Our kind of being faithful to each other is based on what the other will never do or do always. You see love, we don’t have problems with having a third party because we are confident that we will be faithful to each other, the problem is, (or is it?) it’s not trust mind you, and it’s not faith too, it is we are but sucklings yet (do I have much right to term a word? Pluto is not a planet anymore). It is the stage where you can’t take the pup yet from the mum. It’s the time the pup can’t take anything in yet except milk. Ok. Wait. Before my mind will go haywire beyond sucklings and milk I will digress.

Right at this moment, I smell the same scent of incense we use in qc and I miss being with you. And that typhoon (By the way I didn’t turn on the lights yet. It’s 10:24 in your timezone, here it’s 7:21.PM. that’s why that thought. Quick! get a blanket and get inside it while reading this, its coohl!). Do you remember that night? I can’t forget it all my life love. That was the day that Manila which is a country’s capital by the way (!) was smacked down by a single typhoon. No, make it that was the night! (no power baby) I remember us imitating crackpots on a dark, keldt, ruydt (with the back of my hands feeling your legs from time to time while we were walking teehee) looking for candles. And you asked, “what could we be doing if we haven’t met yet?” I said, “this without each other?” It was the moment that holding your hand made huge sense. Then we went home, had an argument, kept quiet, took pictures, kept quiet, ate dinner, kept quiet because we’re still hung-up with the argument (what was that argument all about?!), kept quiet again, and finally made up then made down, made everything over, under and between. Sideways.. how could I forget.

So back to what I was talking about, maybe we haven’t had much much seasons with each other yet, that every time we spend time with somebody that the other doesn’t really know particularly (specially me love, all is new with you there, and specially you from last night), we twitch. Like abstract paintings. We both know that we will be faithful. Why would it still bug us?

The words in that rowdy gang crammed-up there tell the little youandme’s little joys, little fears, little stories in stories, from peewee (argh) times in a relationship so young, still to be suckled and reared faithfully. (Happy 9^th and 2 days.) The words in parenthesis can’t stop themselves from popping out (really now).

Milk!

71 the midnight sun

2007-02-06T08:23:00.000+08:00

Your interviews are rockin’ n rollin’ you have another one today! But we’ll pray for that University job that you really want.

Thinking of you traversing through Melbourne and its suburbs alone breaks my heart. Why can’t I be with you when you’re feeling lost? That I can’t be physically with you when you feel tired and I know a single hug is all you need which I instinctively dispense in the middle of a blinded crowd because I know it can squeeze out all the weariness and stress that you are feeling.

Between the times that we are busy with this vacuum-of-a-world, I find my eyes searing through the thin curtain that silhouettes what is now and uncovers what is reality. If I am right now working in the office, the reality is you are inside the fold of my arm walking in a Melbourne of my mind. If I am right now waiting for the train, the reality is I am hugging you from behind while you are washing the dishes. If I am right now walking my way home, the reality is we are in the matrix with fish and chips on the red couch. If I am right now looking at the sky that looks at you, the reality is I am closing my eyes to picture out your face while I run my fingers on them. If I am right now writing this, the reality is I am looking for you in the airport sighting everyone who wears a cream sweater because you have given me instructions the night before we see each other.

The real reality is what we live in our hearts. Because everything that we experience is not what they seem to be. That’s why we shouldn’t look at silhouettes but rather get near and uncover to see the colors.

If you are right now very tired, the reality is you are in my embrace.

72 has Mr. Glue

2007-02-02T07:51:00.000+08:00

Let me reaffirm again that little and little God is working his way through to the counting down of days with us. Sleep is an overnight serenade that opens the window to the last day of this waiting. The days are quite fast actually, though because of longing, we will never know that until we see each other.

I am so glad that you are doing well there. You’re on your way to finishing all your legal requirements and that includes your aunt’s 4WD SUV rampaging angrily on an island and trapping it between the rear and front wheels. Were you honing your driving skills when that alleged incident happened? :)

As of now, you still don’t have a job, I still don’t have any money. Yes we are on it. I am looking for extra work which led to no results at all. You are on your interviews but the certainty of being in an office has never taken form yet. But why is it that we believe in this goal of 85 days so much that we are getting thrilled as each day takes off? If prayers were taken by angels to God I’m sure we will tire them to no end. The faith that gives us the certainty keeps me in the thoughts of “this will happen”.

The entire world seems to be happy when I’m with you. Allow me that hallucination before these days are finally over and see us fighting over something funny. You being away from me can never get true. And before all these words turn to caramel let me pause for a moment and think again of what to tell next when we will be together.

Thinking and writing about this will never tire me because of the promise that is you.

73 in the marquee

2007-02-01T08:40:00.000+08:00

today i am missing you terribly. like i've never missed you before. i want to pull the heavens so that the place where i stand will move next to you. i just miss being beside you. just to see you. even for a second. then i can let go of the sky from my hands and be pulled back to where i am. just a second will fix me. it's not the short phone conversations. it's not the limited exchange of messages. it's me needing to be beside you. i fell like a crumpled plastic wanting to go back to what i used to be. i don't even know what to write.

today are the moments in this test that my paper is blank. when all i want is to get through this. but i can't just leave the items wrongly filled up or stand and walk away without answers. God this is difficult.

today, i am sorry love, i forgot being hopeful. today i forgot God. when i shouldn't...specially today. more so tomorrow and the remaining days of putting the pieces together.

today and tomorrows, the bricks should not fall down but laid on top of the other.

today i disagreed with something that was right all along.

today i have learned the lesson that gives hints to the remaining items of this test.

have i answered today correctly?

74 is what these dreams are for

2007-01-31T08:51:00.000+08:00

It’s maybe because we need to learn that this test of time and distance has to engulf us from different shores. This chapter has a story that costumes a paper torn of the beginning from the end. These times pour out half the cup of our portion, break chemistry into substances, split an oreo… to know what’s inside, to see what life is without the other. My lips curl downwards just by thinking of going on without a louiebelle. I can see my shadows will mimic you.

Argh. Where was I?

Ah. The little things, the halves, the pieces of us without the other only magnifies what we as one, are made of. God has the weirdest most sensible ways to teach us how to make the we. It’s Process to the effect basically.

In contrast to this time of division, we are building.

Lots of dreams, lots of dreams… you and me under one roof, to measuring the streets that are paved by fireflies in a post, to looking through the colors on the back of dvds stacked for a sleepless night, submerging in a world under a blanket, chasing dreams through our voices that stay up till the sun sleeps. Dreams, lots of dreams lots of dreams.

And to peel the mist that covers what comes:

You are having job interviews today. Thank you Lord for the two job interviews in a day! How is my little garl doing in the street of Melbourne? aye?

75 in rhythm with the jive

2007-01-30T08:33:00.000+08:00

It’s good to know that the relationship is not stagnant. That when we fight we see to it that there should be a resolution after a fierce climax, yes we call it a climax too, or after whispers of breathing. If that doesn’t happen all the time, both of our efforts to get to that point will be always.

The thing about relationships is that it should float above the couple. Though unfortunately most of the time they are stomped by careless arguments and fights. We are not saved from that love, your culprit says. Each one’s denial of his or herself for the other still equates balance. We are learning in this. That when we’re hurt, we should confront each other with warmth. That one is almost on a pedestal.

Cycles of winter is still brewing to come our way. But i’d gladly face it. We have enough wood in the fireplace. Not to mention what will happen most of the time in that fireplace, while the fire peeps through the furnace.

Complicating thoughts aside, i have simple joys. To laugh with you. To eat with you. To walk with you. And all the with yous. That’s how a kid I am. All I want is to recite our rhyme.

And although I am but most of the time careless with emotions, this Humpty Dumpty that we have, is in the making, unbreakable.

76 bullets

2007-01-29T07:59:00.000+08:00

Let me load this day with trigger-happy thoughts.

What is it between the both us that makes this life like it would never be the same because of you and me? What is it with what we have that makes this feel like a romantic comedy movie that everyone wants to see but never really telling that they did? What is it with this love that makes this painfully sweet, aggressively groping, passionately for forever.

Wait, there’s more.

For the so many memories that you have etched on my mind, that I’ll never forget by the way, I still can’t get over the fever of being with you. When they say its so good that you have packed a sack of candies before its over, so be thankful, I know that I don’t want the giveaways. I want the girlscout.

You maybe on the other side of the world but just like what was written here yesterday, it doesn’t mean we’re not together. We’re singing the same song. Even if you’re on the other side of the radio.

I don’t know how to speak of this, or if anyone else could relate to what we have, but its only us who know that of what we have. I am still making sense. If only poetry can speak prose, this would be easy to explain. Like we already hear what the other will say before we open our lips (I am supposed to finish this sentence with, “only to close them by a kiss” but I think it would be too much for the girlscout’s candies in my system). From properly giving you a ring for an engagement, telling your mom that we are going to get married, formality that is (but you already changed your family name on friendster), to being insanely, madly spending the turning of the earth together. Playing hide and seek on a flat that is ten steps wide. Or prom-dancing in public (what the heck is prom-dancing?), on an escalator. Or laughing for the reason of laughing or not really knowing the reason at all but we have a clue anyway, so slide away (you know what’s in my mind with that one). Or having a blast doing nothing the whole day.

When what matters most in this life is when I’m with you, which is also when nothing else matters.

The world turns around and I’m on the same spot where you are before it moved. I have your thoughts in my mind. I have what you feel in my heart. And I believe you are on the same spot where I am before the world will take a spin again.

Bang bang bang.

77 and a little more sevens

2007-01-29T07:56:00.000+08:00

I am home, alone, today. The heat and intensity of the mid-afternoon carry with them a promise of cheerfulness yet suddenly, I was overcome by a strong surge of sadness being here.

You are everywhere: the bed, mismatched slippers strewn all over the place, your toothbrush kissing mine. It’s you all over yet you’re not here.

I am right now witnessing a fleeting glance of what our future days would be like---feeling each other’s presence, but never quite fully experiencing the joy of being each with each other.

I may be the one leaving, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I would find it hard too, to be apart from you. I feel it now and I know that we are going to have tougher days ahead.

But know this, love. There is nothing else in the world I want more than to have you there with me so we can go ahead with our plans and taste the world with our feet TOGETHER.

I love you very much, and I will exhaust all means to have you there with me soonest. This is my promise to you. No fears, seigfred. Im yours for keeps.

Louie
112006

at 78 love, put down the weight.

2007-01-26T10:34:00.000+08:00

Shall I tell you not to lose heart?

You have half of mine. Whenever you feel a cut in there, I bleed.

Shall I tell you our prayers would not come unanswered?

What you start in supplication ends at the tip of my words.

Or shall I tell you we are working hard for this, we want this, we are concentrated on this that’s why we can do it so don’t lose hope if you don’t have a job yet.

With only a little time spent with you compared to the couple of decades you spent here in the world, I am doubting my doubt if you are really alright. I am disturbed because I feel you are not alright and you say you worry because you don’t have a job still so I think there is really something wrong.

Shall you read the first 5 lines again? And continue reading the lines after this.

You have half of my heart.

You’re prayers and mine are the same.

You and I always.

Because I thought you were worrying all along. don’t ever.

Shall we?

79 because everything's gonna be fine

2007-01-25T08:30:00.000+08:00

I have a big nice smirk on my face.

It feels good to see the first digit change into something that means nearer.

Sorry I wasn’t with you while you we’re applying for 20 more jobs today. I have to keep up my with my job too. But. I am dreaming all day of the time that I will see your face. Yes. You still don’t have a job but hey, as we count the days down, the reality of that job will have its place in the calendar. You need not to struggle with that love.

I wanted to jump inside the screen when I saw you. I want to revolt though. 46 dollars for a webcam? We could have bought that for 300 bucks in megamall. But all that changed when you graced the monitor with your lovely countenance. Hands up.

I was whispering to myself , “do not go” when you left for that mall near your house. Thirty minutes of walking alone? Waiting for the bus alone? Going home alone? Tell me I am over reacting but pardon me love, I am just fiercely protective of you. You know that. Same as you don’t want me to buy a bike. Learning things there aren’t you little goil?

So what happened to us today?

Still hoping. Still dreaming. Worries should never take part in this. Because what we have; trusts. Protects. Hopes. And perseveres.

80 and 85 is divisible by 5, 18 is not

2007-01-24T08:12:00.000+08:00

50 applications today!!!!

We’ll pray for that later on tonight. I hope that we can have positive replies from those.

Today I am again capsized by the truth that you are not by my side. We have promised though, not to get used to not long for each other. But the longing bites with cold fangs. Each day I can feel its every incisor gripping harder and harder. But it’s not a problem at all love. I am having the time of my life taking the pain. And I do "love" it. Literally. I am enjoying it because I have never felt this before.

So this is what it feels to be stricken by something that makes you go on.

Let me tell you a secret. We’re having this countdown right? I don’t know what day would be day zero of this. :) and I don’t want to find out. And please don’t tell me. That would be my surprise to myself. I’t can’t be april 15 because you left January 18^th and it’s 85 days.

Actually, as long as we are like this, as long as we are sustained by what we both share, I really don’t care how long we will be waiting for each other… even the longing…. Let’s just stay and grow even more in what was planted in our hearts.

Argh! 80 more days?!!!

Could you come near?

2007-01-23T09:57:00.000+08:00

Could you come near
like the
night at the doorstep?

shut
my lips
with your kisses

Pleasefoldtime.

Never never gets to come, as long as the long land
gives up skin--
drank the water of the seas’

islands, are my flashes
of you.

The short ting
of eyelids reverberate

and sing; your hair--
sways the sound of lullabyes.

81 nothing doesn't mean none

2007-01-23T09:55:00.000+08:00

I wish the days would all come down like a trail of dominoes. But I think when that happens, so are our days together. So it’s good that we rise when the sun does, we retire when the night calls and in between that, we enjoy the crawling of the clock.

5 days since the time you left. More than 2 months of waiting.

Nothing encouraging today. No income to help raise money for the visa. You passed 5 resumes to the supposed to be application blast.

But most of the time, when nothing is happening, something is brewing. The wind must blow easy so that fire can ignite. The rain must fall gently so that the buds don’t fall as the roots hold the water. The music must go slow for the heart to yield.

Let’s hear something out of the silence and see visions in the dark.

Faith. Hope. Love. The benefits of being apart put to practice. Can it be any sweeter than this?

82, faith in God is such a pretty feeling too

2007-01-22T13:02:00.000+08:00

Last night me and alan had a conversation about faith. Grrrr!! you are very beautiful in the picture. Anyways we had this conversation about faith. Did I just repeat what I wrote?

Faithful.

Faith believes on what is unseen and for that matter, it’s you, it’s you and me being together, it’s the future. It should not can’t happen! Lord… I am so happy for that answered prayer that was our vacation last December. The probability of the impossibility didn’t have a chance with His capability. Tyheee! And for this 85 days too.

It feels so good hearing your voice. You are so pretty in this pic. I need to see you soon.

I’m thinking, how many times have we been separated and how many times have I had that feeling of exhilaration that I am going to see you in minutes? The vacations, the office trip, you going home, me going home to you….I hope this time it will be for good.

Faith in God is such a pretty feeling too.

P.S.

I can't stop looking at the pic. Can you please come out of the phone? Grrrr!

at 83, let there be

2007-01-22T12:59:00.000+08:00

Let me just apply this on my face like a steamed towel:

Though this house is empty, I see a couple on the black bed painting tomorrows at the bare ceiling. I hear the loud TV that didn’t have any attention. Hugs cover their eyes and kisses are shutting it off. The table wasn’t alone either. The past midnight serving of words and laughters are its feast. The walls reflect what it was when they were there. They are playing hide and seek- In my memory.

It’s time we fill another.

-11AM before surrendering the key

84 days more

2007-01-22T12:58:00.000+08:00

So! you are learning how to drive next week? I thought you know how to?

Hmmm lemme check i need to raise a 100k before the end of February? so meaning i have 40+ days more. which also means i have to earn 3k+ a day.

Let's do it hahahaha!

Last night, alan told me that there's this Call Center Company that his friend is working with and he said he'll give me kicks for referals in that call center. email blast again! i had 1 referal so far. this is funny. I hope i can get more tommorow. around 50 please Lord.

Hopeless?

i don't think so.

Just a while ago Salvation Army called me up and she's planning to sell our house and that supposed to be promising lot (the one that you said it's in the right side of the road?) to a business partner. She is selling it for just a bit more than 1m. and she'll dish in a 100gran for me.

Prayer answered on day 84.

But! I will still raise that 100k. We have to make sure we can do it. i want to sweat out that kind of amount. I don't want to just bum around and wait for the fruit to fall. reach baby reach.

85 days

2007-01-22T11:30:00.001+08:00

"i'll see you in 85 days. "

That's what you said. And in reply, let me count the days.

i 've mentioned here that i will try my best to hoard as much finances as i can. and guess what? it's fun!

Email blast to everyone entitled:

I AM GETTING MARRIED

Yup. But before that--

I want to ask a favor from you. To take the next hurdle of the goal of, yes, getting married, I will be lodging my visa at the end of February and i need to go the extra mile with regards to this.

If any of you have freelance jobs for:

Web Content Writer/Manager - I am managing a website (in terms of content) as of this time. The url is not yet available though.

Voice Talent/Audio Video Production - I've worked in radio for almost 10 years. Have voiced numerous commercials. My prime is more of character/drama voicing.

Events Planning and Management - I was in theater all my high school and college years and working on and off stage is very familiar with me.

Copywriting - I was a producer in radio and that involved a lot of scriptwriting. Currently i conceptualize, direct and manage print ads for my company which will be posted on different designated countries (which involves a lot of marketing research).

I can also do brick laying, digging a hole, carpentry, mixing cement, just not that heavy work coz i broke my back just last year (LOL).

I need (after office jobs) your help. :)

Cheers!

---------

Guess what? Someone contacted me! Here-

Shella: elo! U po b ang ngpost sa bulltn? (I forgot to tell you that Agustin, my college friend who is now in ABSCBN Productions posted the email in their company's bulletin)

Me: Hi! Im seigfred! Oo ako yun. What can i do for you?

Shella: Kc want po me sna mg -1 ng videoke sa cd. kano po ba bayad u? (huwaaaaaat??? can you please read again the email? i don't do cd transpositions, i suggested brick laying, digging holes and other brute work but this? actually i can do it if i have the machine. heehee)

Me: Ok... i'll see what i can do and ill contact you tommorow. if i can do it. i am in ortigas and i'll let you bring the videoke cd there. I am actually raising up funds for my visa, i don't do this for profit so you may pay me with any amount that pleases you.

Shella: ngek! cge try ku po

LOL crazy. i'm expecting more of it on day 84.

falling in love... everytime.

2007-01-20T18:58:00.000+08:00

i fell in love with your voice
then your wit
then i saw you
and my thumpthump thumped

and then i fell in love with you.

the i fell in love with your sincerity
and your smarts
and your charms

and then i fell in love with you.

then i fell in love with your humor
and your ambitions
and your body

and then i fell in love with you.

then i fell in love with your passion
and your boyish charm
and your childishness

and then i fell in love with you.

i fell in love with your friends
and your past
and your home

and then i fell in love with you...

My everdearest Luanne,

2006-12-04T16:56:00.000+08:00

Manila has always had this foggy gray 5pm. And it will be like this on most days. Which is just great for the sun, wounding the sky into an eye-shaped cut.

I can somehow feel its cut.

We have bled already. But because we don't want to recognize the pain, we carefully hide them behind the fabrics of hugs and kisses.

Why are you leaving?

It's just for a few months.

Just some of the questions that should not be asked. Just like the pain.

I woke up this morning and it jabbed me on the chest. Seeing you sleeping will be like an empty breakfast table after you step on the reality of your dream. But i know, once you have stepped into that, then so am i. The you is me and me is you? :)

A few more of these manila grays...

A little more cuts on the sky....

Yet another jab on the chest.

I'm hearing blue skies by Hale again! Quick! Run away with me!

Yours,

Tristan

locked to unlock

2006-11-23T15:26:00.000+08:00

i am
have been folded and sealed
in a haze of time

you read me from any cover

a hide
of words
of tasks

you are cracks i am

yields

to the psych of we

i am you, you are me

2006-11-08T15:50:00.000+08:00

beloved,

i hope that you will forever...

dream in color and animate your subconsious;
dance with wild abandon, caring not about what the neighbors would say;
have passionate passion for your passions --- poetry, music, ideas of grandeur, travel and gastronomic wonders;
hold on to your inner child, and pray with the faith of a tot, be in awe of every little delight, and laugh at the simplest of things;
be fully aware of the necessity of using your God-given talents to serve Him;

be the man i decided to be with for the rest of my life.

continue to be beautiful. because part of you has become part of me too.

i love you.
in winter. and everyday.

-L.

my chain, my freedom

2006-09-21T14:04:00.000+08:00

thank you Lord for this nth chance.

life slowly and unceasingly unfolds its petals to reveal more and more opportunities for our own rebirth. this is what i learned last night.

i have always regarded myself as a free spirit. some dear friends whose ties with me link from whence we were children consider me as "the one who jumped off the cliff while they watched comfortably in the shade at the edge of the precipice". yes, i'm a bit subversive, but i view skirting the hems (or sometimes even overstepping the line) of boundaries and limitations a convenient justification to redeem myself for a wrong done by another, and questioning conventional rules and authority an option to enhance my faculty to debate and prove my twisted version of truth.

without knowing exactly when, something happened, that had been a defining moment in my life. the ultimate crossroad. i might even dare to call it maturity, but i would like to believe that i have been given my chains. shackled to the very principles that i longed to uphold yet bold-facedly tried to spite.

i met a man who drew the lines for me. someone who plied me into submission just because of the value of his presence in my life, who taught me that compliance does not necessarily signify being tied, that retaliation does not equal justice, and that freedom is relative not absolute.

last night, the seditious in me threatened to resurface. the lines have long been drawn. but at some point, i had to make a decision. remain bound to the pain of betrayal or offer my anguish to the Supreme Healer. which side of the line i'm staying, is my own choice to make.

after years of indulging in the folly of youth, of doing as i damn well please, of acting on impulse instead of giving things thought, i, this time, submit. to what ought to be done to mend.

healing is impossible if i do not trust His heart. this is what i was told last night. therefore, i shall continue to proudly showcase my scars until i coat myself with courage. i will continue to shed tears and blood until i develop a faith that is deeply rooted as a sequoia. and i will continue to give birth to myself until i... become.

submission is not a form of defeat. retaliation does not always beget justice. letting go is sometimes the best way to hold on.

my chain, my freedom.

my surrender.

what you have for me is one with what you are to me

2006-09-12T13:51:00.000+08:00

rain has found its way through the ceiling
night strikes its drowsy spell on daytime

cold injects its metals through my pores
heat drinks waters from my veins

crowd prompts laughter
swarms assault

barefoot

i could have had it
and more

if not for the blanket
that is you

my everdearest louie anne,

2006-09-08T13:50:00.000+08:00

i just want you to know that i'm enormously grateful i have you with me on this period of my life, love. and if ever these times are giving you a hard time as well, i am devastated twice..but that's just for a moment. when i see the light skating on the floor of your eyes i am reintegrated.

what i thank you most is that you have jumped into my life and you've never jumped out inspite of this crash. and in weariness, i draw waters from your well.

tayo muna bago ako. remember that night? we have to go through the furnace to acquire pure gold.

irksome moments are just pebbles on the path that is laid before us. i am reverberating what you have said because i want you to know that you are very much appreciated; when you have decided to say-- "i am with you", you can always trust that my hands will never let go.

tis so sweet to learn life with you love.

you are my joy. you are my strength.

yours in times of love and war,
tristan of tanza

a mid-afternoon love note

2006-09-05T14:59:00.000+08:00

my dearest kisstan,

things have been going pretty rough lately (with work and other stuff) but it's amazing how we manage to sleep with peace in our hearts the moment we lie down at the end of the day.

you're wonderful. we're wonderful.

whatever fears we both have, i know that we've fully lived the word "surrender" in our lives. so, those fears are just minute details to be nitpicked every once in a while. we have better things to consider, right?

move forward, move on.

i can't wait, love. for our dreams to take on a physical body and become tangible. i'm glad it's you. i'm thankful, each day, for the hope, the promise and the joy that we bring into each other's lives. even during difficult moments.

pray, pray, pray.

i love you. and i love you because................

yours,

louie anne

written on the body

2006-08-15T10:56:00.001+08:00

if scars tell a story...

...my back holds its own tale.

face down,
underneath
me
arms pinned.
torso bearing
my own weight
and his.
hair pulled up,
s p r e a d

on the bed,
le gs as well.
eyes closed,
body tense,
senses alert,
i await ---

the breaths of fire,
his soldering lips
that sear my flesh,
branding me his,

and the brushstrokes
of his tongue

painting a romance novel
on the canvas of my body
where the story ends

...and begins
d
o
w
n
t
h
e
l
e
n
g
t
h

of my spine.

For the Music that is Luanne

2006-08-01T16:41:00.000+08:00

words can't say
what i should do
all i think
is me and you

spin the world
a little faster
pull the time
a little bit longer

i don't want to go on without you

leave the rest of the world
to the world
let the time tell itself--
day or night

'cause i don't care
you're by my side

It's all right

you have been
my certainty
what began
forever be

spin the world
a little faster
pull the time
a little bit longer

i don't want to go on without you

leave the rest of the world
to the world
let the time tell itself--
day or night

'cause i don't care
you're by my side

It's all right

happy third too, hope you love the song as well

seigfred and poetry

2006-08-01T12:04:00.000+08:00

there is something about
letters sitting side by side
that reflects me and you.

i wanna bury my cheek
on the slanted scribbles
and play with them slowly
to the end of the piece.

the energy that pulsates from it
enchants me, just like
the force of you and me.

i wanna press my palms
against the phrases
and make them part
of my destiny.

poetry has always reminded me of you
or you have always been in poems.
it is not always about love
or the stillness of the steady rain.

written words
robbed of music

and you.

let me read you
sing you
speak of you.

happy third, ciggy.

an old parchment and a new story

2006-07-28T18:21:00.000+08:00

an old parchment

lies in the pavement

soaked by the rain.

it holds a story

of long ago.

the ink runs

down the gutter,

rushing to join

the river of memories.

as the page drifts

and the edge points

to an unexplored street,

he brushes the tip of his pen

against the paper grain,

moves his wrist above it

like a shimmering silk scarf,

and between the fibers

a new tale dances.

without knowing when

2006-07-21T16:30:00.000+08:00

without knowing when
i started skipping like a kid

without knowing when
i turned into a sigh
blown to the skies
drank by the stars

without knowing when
a million notes chose my chest
for their music sheet
clink against each other
with my every move

for no reason
and for every reason in existence
i begin to ceaselessly
to ceaselessly
laugh
and love

and when i dance
soar
sing
i melt into the truth
that
i am.

and without knowing when
my forever has begun.